Drug-Testing: New Additions to USCF Catalog!

From: biggreenrhino@aol.com (BigGreenRhino) Newsgroups: rec.games.chess.politics Date: 01 Jun 2001 21:07:17 GMT

Subject: Drug-Testing: New Additions to USCF Catalog! We are pleased to announce new additions to our catalog. "USCF understands the needs of its members for the new millennium as it shifts its focus to providing only basic and essential items in its catalog."

USCF Dope Test Kit:

Concerned that you may be found to be a dope at your next chess tournament! Don't be! USCF has everything you need in its latest catalog! The new "USCF Dope Test Kit" is now available. Personally endorsed by the USCF President, the kit contains one dozen plastic cups (with lids) emblazoned with the USCF logo and its catchy new slogans, "Take a pee for the Federation!" and "No Pee - No Pay!" (cups are available in three different sizes: Large, Extra Large and Absolutely Enormous). Comes with complete instructions (4th revised illustrated edition). Cups are Microwaveable and Dish-Washer safe! Doubles as a beverage container!

"I have personally tested this equipment, and there is 100% accuracy in determining whether you are a dope," ... USCF President Tim Redman.

US-DT: List Price: $399.00. Member Price: $419.00 (Extra Large Member Price: $449.00). Please allow 3 months for delivery. Includes certificate from USCF signed by USCF President Tim Redman - you can carry your certificate around in your pocket at tournaments so that you can prove to people you are not a dope! "I never leave home without my certificate. With it, I can demonstrate to anyone who asks that I am not a dope," ... USCF President Tim Redman.

Pee Like A Grandmaster:

In his chess literary debut, USCF President Tim Redman has authored a great new book from USCF Press! Few books will have such an impact on chess literature, as this classic treatise in the making. This book provides:

* Practical new peeing techniques that increase your satisfaction and results! * Illustrated guides and helpful hints! * Study how to prepare your openings! * Secrets of the Soviet School of Peeing will be revealed!

* Original methods for relieving tension during a critical game! * Four World Champions and their individual styles are examined! * Forty new ideas of how to occupy yourself during those quieter moments at the chess club!

The final chapter deals with Tim Redman analyzing his twenty best pees, and contains over thirty challenging exercises for the reader to solve.

Piddle and Fiddle your way to chess mastery with Tim Redman!

Widely acknowledged by himself as the World's greatest expert on everything chess, the author has conducted his own research first-hand. The author says, "Peeing is just like chess, there is a science and art to it. It has given me a life long satisfaction - I quite like chess also."

Take your hands out of your pockets (for a moment), pick up that phone and order now! Don't piss away this great opportunity to improve your technique!

US-PLAG: List Price: $29.95. Member Price: $31.95. Please allow 3 months for delivery.

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