Our Animal Friends

[Webmaster's Note: The following was published by Jim Eade on the Internet in December, 1996 and January, 1997. It is an obvious parody on the workings of the United States Chess Federation Policy Board. The members of that USCF board are Don Schultz, the President, Bill Goichberg, the Vice-President, Rachel Lieberman, the Secretary, Tom Dorsch, the Treasurer, and Robert Ferguson, Fan Adams and Jim Eade, Members-at-Large. Other significant personalities are Al Lawrence, the outgoing USCF Executive Director, Frank Camaratta, the outgoing USCF Treasurer and George Filippone, the Acting Executive Director.]

Our Animal Friends

Starring in order of appearance:

Jimmy the Squirrel
Donnie the Weasel
Fannie the Ape
Robbie the Rodent
Billy the Dog
Rach-Rach the Parrot
Tommie the Walrus
Frankie the Bear
Ali the Alligator
Georgie D. Bee

Once upon a time, long, long ago, in a land far, far away there lived a squirrel named Jimmy. Jimmy lived in Chessland, and he liked it very much. Chessland was a pretty country where all the wars were pretend wars and people all played by the rules. Sadly, Donnie the Weasel ruled Chessland, and he was not as happy as Jimmy was. Donnie wanted to hurt the animals who disagreed with him, or failed to do his bidding.

Donnie was a smart Weasel, as weasels usually are. He knew that he was not strong enough to hurt all the animals he wanted to hurt all by himself. Donnie decided that he needed other animals to do the hurting for him and in that way he wouldn't get hurt in return. Just to be extra, super safe, Donnie got Fannie the Ape to be his personal bodyguard.

Fannie the Ape was a great big silver backed gorilla. Fannie was always sort of grouchy, but as he got older he grew down right mean. No one wanted to go to near Fannie. Donnie wouldn't be safe without Fannie around, but no one wanted to be around Fannie. Donnie thought and thought and thought.

I know what to do, Donnie thought to himself in the way that Weasels do. I'll call a meeting of self important animals. The animals I call will have to come, if they want to be self important, even if Fannie the Ape scares them.

Donnie summoned Robbie the Rodent, Billy the Dog, Rach-Rach the Parrot, Tommie the Walrus and Jimmy the Squirrel to the first meeting of self important animals ever held in Chessland. There was a big round table, but no one wanted to sit too close to Fannie the Ape. Robbie the Rodent moved quickly to the other side of the table. Billy the Dog liked sniffing Robbie the Rodent, and loyally sat right next to him.

Rach-Rach the Parrot screeched, Gotta be fair, Gotta be fair and settled down next to Donnie the Weasel. Tommie the Walrus sat down where he wanted to without really worrying where Fannie the Ape or Donnie the Weasel were sitting. Tommie the Walrus just wanted a comfortable chair.

Jimmy the Squirrel didn't know where to sit. It wasn't safe by Fannie the Ape, but Donnie the Weasel wasn't much better. I must be nuts, Jimmy the Squirrel thought to himself, and immediately got hungry. Why am I here with all of these dangerous animals? Eventually, Jimmy found a seat not too close, but not too far from the others.

Donnie knew that he couldn't come right out and say he wanted certain animals hurt, so instead he told the animals that it was their job to make Chessland the best country possible. He gave them all medals and ribbons and said that they were all very, very self important.

Of course, Donnie the Weasel said with his whiskers twitching like mad, the most important thing is to obey your King. Fannie the Ape smacked the table with his huge paw to make certain that all the animals understood what Donnie the Weasel was saying.

Robbie the Rodent jumped up and then scooted under the table. Billy the Dog sniffed the air trying to pick up his scent. Rach-Rach the Parrot flew about the room squawking, Advocate your committees, Advocate your committees, and eventually landed on an overhead light far above the table. Jimmy the Squirrel began shaking uncontrollably, but Tommie the Walrus just yawned.

After the meeting was over Donnie the Weasel walked over to Jimmy the Squirrel and put a paw around his shoulders. Jimmy began shaking all over again.

You know Jimmy, Donnie the Weasel said, that Tommie the Walrus is pretty tough. I think I'll use him to hurt animals that need hurting. Donnie was much more open about what he wanted to do in private than he was in public. Jimmy s teeth started chattering.

By the way, Donnie continued, there is a small matter that you could help me with.

Jimmy s paws began to twitch.

You know the ex-Minister of Finance? asked Donnie the Weasel

Y-y-y-yessss Jimmy squeaked.

And the former Prime Minister? asked Donnie the Weasel.

I...I...yes, I do. Jimmy barely managed to answer.

Good. said Donnie the Weasel. Come closer.

Jimmy s knees buckled as Donnie's hot breath was in his ear. Whisper, whisper, whisper. whispered Donnie, as he began to fill Jimmy s head with dark plots and poisoned motives.

OK, said Jimmy a little shame facedly, I'll do what you command.

end of part 1

Part 2

The first thing that Donnie the Weasel did, following the meeting of self important animals, was issue a proclamation.

"I suspect Frankie the Bear, the ex-Minister of Finance and Ali the Alligator, the former Prime Minister, of treason and other high crimes against the state. I hereby appoint Jimmy the Squirrel to find the evidence against them." proclaimed Donnie the Weasel.

Usually, Donnie the Weasel preferred to whisper these things, but he also felt that official proclamations made him appear to be a very self important King, so he made some exceptions. Afterwards he whispered into Jimmy's ear, "Frankie the Bear ate most of the tasty cookies and donuts and all of the honey. Ali the Alligator ate everything else up in a single bite!"

"WHAT?" cried Jimmy the Squirrel, "Y-y-you mean that the treasury is bare?"

"Completely bare," snarled Donnie the Weasel in response.

Jimmy the Squirrel started shivering all over at the very thought. Donnie the Weasel looked Jimmy the Squirrel up one side and down the other. Donnie the Weasel didn't like what he saw. "Jimmy the Squirrel might not be mean enough to want to hurt Frankie the Bear and Ali the Alligator," thought Donnie the Weasel to himself. Donnie the Weasel tugged on his whiskers, and frowned. He thought and thought, tugged and tugged, and frowned and frowned.

"Snap!," went Donnie's mind at last, and he said to Jimmy the Squirrel, "You don't look tough enough for this job. I'll appoint Tommie the Walrus to help you hurt Frankie the Bear and Ali the Alligator. I'll write a note for you to take to Tommie the Walrus. I want Frankie the Bear and Ali the Alligator to restock the Treasury or I'll have Tommie the Walrus hurt them."

"Donnie the Weasel must really want to hurt Frankie the Bear and Ali," thought Jimmy the Squirrel, because everyone knew that Donnie the Weasel preferred whispering to writing. Sure enough though, Donnie the Weasel actually wrote the note.

Jimmy the Squirrel was afraid of what Donnie the Weasel would think of next, so as soon as he took the note from Donnie the Weasel he scurried up the nearest tree and scrambled along its branches, and jumped to the next tree. Jimmy the Squirrel scrambled and jumped, jumped and scrambled, scrambled and jumped until he was very far away from Donnie the Weasel. Of all the dangerous animals in Chessland, weasels bothered Jimmy the Squirrel the most.

Finally, Jimmy the Squirrel had to stop to catch his breath. Jimmy the Squirrel breathed and breathed and then chewed a nut he'd stored in his cheek. When Jimmy the Squirrel finished chewing he looked up and around, every which way, and tried to figure out where he was. Jimmy the Squirrel scrambled up to the highest branch and looked all around him.

"The ocean is over there," thought Jimmy the Squirrel to himself, "and Tommie the Walrus the Walrus will be near the ocean."

Jimmy the Squirrel looked in another direction and saw the Great Bee Hive of Chessland. The Great Bee Hive of Chessland produced all of the honey and all of the wax for all of Chessland. Then Jimmy the Squirrel saw something that nearly made him fall off of his branch.

"ORCS!," shouted Jimmy the Squirrel, "Orcs from Loudgameland!"

Jimmy the Squirrel hurried to get not to close, but not to far from the Orcs. Jimmy scurried up a not to close, not to far tree and watched and listened.

Georgie D. Bee, the foreman of operations for the Great Bee Hive of Chessland, was deep in conversation with one of the Orc captains. Jimmy the Squirrel moved closer still, until he could make out Georgie's buzzing.

"That sounds fine to me," buzzed Georgie D. Bee, "You make the wax from now on and give it to us for free."

"Yessssss." hissed the Orc captain. "We'll give you all the free wax you want, as long as you stop making wax yourself."

"Honey is the most important thing," buzzed Georgie, "If you make the wax, we'll have more bees to make honey. We'll have all the wax we need and more honey than ever."

"Hah, Hah!" laughed the Orc captain savagely, "Lots of honey. Lots of wax. All free."

"It's a deal," said Georgie, "Should we sign a treaty."

"No!" the Orc's red eyes grew huge as he said, "Orcs bang sword on shield. Good as treaty."

"OK with me," buzzed Georgie.

Bang! Bang! Clash! Clash! went the Orc swords on Orc shields, and Georgie D. Bee buzzed happily away.

The Orcs waited until Georgie D. Bee was out of sight, and then started hooting and hollering and roughhousing with one another.

"Stupid Bee!" yelled one Orc.

"Orc's make all the wax," laughed another, "Everyone come to Orcs for wax. Orcs win."

Jimmy the Squirrel didn't know what to do. He was too nervous to think straight. He knew he needed to tell someone what he'd heard. Then he thought of Tommie the Walrus. "I'll tell Tommie the Walrus," Jimmy thought to himself. He'll know what to do."

Jimmy the Squirrel scrambled and jumped, jumped and scrambled and scrambled and jumped some more. Soon has was very close to the ocean and there were no more trees. Jimmy the Squirrel then made his way down to the beach in short darting sprints. Jimmy would dash to a spot, stop, look all around him, and then dash to the next spot.

"Hi Jimmy!," boomed Tommie the Walrus.

"Aah!" yelled Jimmy the Squirrel, "Don't scare me like that! Look, you made my tail all bushy!"

"Seems to me," said Tommie the Walrus in a quieter voice, "that you were so busy running around, that you forgot to look right in front of you."

"Well," Jimmy the Squirrel considered this a bit before replying, " I AM a squirrel, you know."

"Quite correct," said Tommie the Walrus, "Why are you here?"

"Oh yes!," said Jimmy the Squirrel, quickly remembering why he was there, "Donnie the Weasel gave me this paper to give to you and I saw Orcs."

"Do you always see Orcs, when Donnie the Weasel gives you paper?" asked Tommie the Walrus.

"No!" shouted Jimmy the Squirrel, who started to get angry, until he saw that Tommie the Walrus was smiling a tusky smile.

"Oh, ha, ha!" laughed Jimmy the Squirrel, who really liked to laugh. "I get it!"

"Ho, Ho," boomed Tommie the Walrus.

"Hee, Hee," giggled Jimmy the Squirrel, and they soon became fast friends.

Jimmy the Squirrel and Tommie the Walrus talked about the state of the Treasury, Frankie the Bear and Ali the Alligator, the Orcs, and about what they should do next.

"I'll go look at the Treasury. You go squeak to Frankie the Bear and Ali the Alligator, " said Tommie the Walrus, "Then, let's both tell Donnie the Weasel about the Orcs."

End of Part II

James Eade Hypermodern Press

Here are links: The Letter by Fan Adams criticizing the above

The Loudgameland Web Site

Here are links:
Sam Sloan's Chess Page

My Home Page

Contact address - please send e-mail to the following address: Sloan@ishipress.com