By JEFF MACGREGOR
To: The Reverend Jerry Falwell
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RE: Teletubby Surveillance/Children's Television Investigation
Pursuant to client's request for character profiles, loyalty/liability crosschecks and deep background information on "Teletubbies," our investigation yielded data as follows:
Teletubby "Tinky Winky": Purple in color, subject Teletubby is observed to carry a purse, yet speaks in a man's voice. Subject antenna triangular in shape.
Interpretation: Extensive investigation reveals purple to be "gay pride" color (i.e. concord grapes, Minnesota Vikings, etc.). F.Y.I. Barney the Dinosaur is another roly-poly, aubergine children's favorite. He loves to dance and sing, but doesn't seem to wear pants. The Tinky Winky purse is doubtless a feminizing icon deployed as a gender-confusing subterfuge. Subject Teletubby also speaks with vague British accent. Oscar Wilde lived in Britain.
Conclusion: Subject Teletubby "Tinky Winky" is obviously the subliminal spokestubby for the "homosexual" or "gay" life style.
Teletubby "Po": Red in color, with circular antenna.
Interpretation: Red has long been the symbolic color of global Communism. The name "Po" could be taken from the river in Italy (a hotbed of failed quasi-Communist policies), or derived from the name of the Cambodian madman, Pol Pot. The circular antenna represents the circular arguments that underlie the tenets of Marxist-Leninist social and economic theory. Conclusion: Subject Teletubby "Po" is the subliminal spokestubby for a resurgent international Communist revolution.
Alternate Conclusion: "Po" might be a reference to Edgar Allan Poe, a neurotic 19th-century writer, just like Oscar Wilde. (See above.) Teletubby "Laa-Laa": Bright yellow/orange in color, antenna shaped like pig's tail.
Interpretation: "Laa-Laa" is an obvious reference to Los Angeles (often called "La-La Land" by gossip columnists and other waggish hipsters). Her bright citrus colors are an ironic nod to the wholesome crops of lemons and oranges that once flourished in the pious San Fernando Valley and Hollywood Hills, but that have since been replaced by the degenerate entertainment industry.
Conclusion: "Laa-Laa" is the spokestubby for the National Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences or the Screen Actors Guild, and is subliminally encouraging our children to seek work in the entertainment industry. Teletubby "Dipsy": Green in color, subject Teletubby has a straw coming out of his head.
Interpretation: Looks like a giant frozen daiquiri.
Conclusion: Blender drinks are popular among supporters of alternative life styles.
That these Teletubbies take their marching orders from speakers that rise up from the ground (a metaphor delineating Orwellian mind control?) is bad enough. That they live in a kind of dome under a windmill that spins out a spiral of what look like bright white crystals should be reason enough for investigation by state authorities. That they do so without the benefit of marriage (or clothes!) is inexcusable. The F.B.I. investigations of Rocky and Bullwinkle, Bert and Ernie, Heckle and Jeckle, etc., prove beyond doubt that these sort of same-sex partnerships send the wrong message to our children. That Yogi Bear and his partner, Booboo, choose to spend their time in the forest, again many times without pants, is their right, but it is our right and duty to keep children from seeing it.
We therefore conclude that your instinct about the true nature of the Teletubbies is correct: they are a subversive force for international evil, operating in league with a global cabal of gay television executives and purse manufacturers, bent on nothing less than world domination.
ADDENDUM: Further investigation into your controversial assertion last month that the Antichrist is a Jewish man living on earth at this moment has yielded an interesting theory.
While watching television for the Teletubbies report filed above, one of our operatives noticed a male cartoon character who thrived on the kind of anarchy and confusion usually ascribed to the Antichrist. His name even employs the Yiddish word for a long, convoluted story or series of events. It is our conviction, therefore, that you can announce with impunity at your next national press conference that one "Magilla Gorilla" is the Antichrist.
Our bill follows under separate cover.
From The New York Times Op-Ed page, Feb. 13, 1999.
