THE STORY OF POOR LITTLE HORNSWAGGLE
Once upon a time there was a cab driver named Spam. Spam was abroad in a foreign country near the Patapenese border. He had hidden himself in the luggage compartment of a rackety old shuttle bus. The Patapenese farmers did not turn him in to the border soldiers, even though they knew he was hiding in the luggage compartment. He was disguised as a Spamsonite suitcase.
Spam was risking his life by crossing the Patapenese border. But he had to see the beautiful little Hornswaggle. Hornswaggle was the most beautiful woman in her little village of Tarara. She was very young, and very beautiful, and knew nothing about common sense. She was just the sort of woman who would fall in love with a man like Spam. Spam was very famous as a chess journalist, and as a lover. And Hornswaggle was famous for not knowing the word "no" in any language.
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Hornswaggle was carrying a tray of flowers. This was strange, as flowers do not grow in her village of Tarara. But Hornswaggle made up her own flowers. She would take radish leaves and fungus and form fake flowers out of them. She would walk the streets of the village with her radish and fungus flowers on a tray, shouting "Tarara blooms today!". She did not make any money doing this.
But she walked towards Spam. Spam was still lying on the ground. Hornswaggle bent over to look at the handsome cabdriving chess journalist on the ground and dropped her tray of radish leaves and fungus all over Spam. Spam did not care that he was covered by radish and fungus flowers. He did not care that he was lying in the dirt and the dung. He had at last found the famous Hornswaggle.
Hornswaggle helped Spam to stand up. He brushed off some of the dung. They walked to Hornswaggle's hut in the village of Tarara. The hut was like the other huts in the village, made of straw and earth, except the hut of Hornswaggle had a large satellite dish on top of the roof.
Hornswaggle had gotten the satellite dish from a former admirer of hers. This former admirer was a General for the Patapanese Air Force. She also had a black and white television set that belonged to a former admirer. This was not the same former admirer as the man who had given her the satellite dish. It was not the same admirer who left the Vasoline, nor the toothbrush, nor the bathrobe. They were from enlisted men in the Patapanese Army. The satellite dish was a good one. It got all the Patapenese Air Force broadcasts. She knew where the plane was at any time. It did not pick up any other channels due to the high mountains surrounding the village of Tarara. But it also picked up The Jerry Springer Show. Hornswaggle loved The Jerry Spring Show. She longed to go to a country where such a program was possible. Hornswaggle wanted very much to go to America and live in a home with wheels on it, like the people on The Jerry Springer Show.
Spam moved in with the beautiful Hornswaggle. Each day she would try to sell her radish leaf and fungus flowers. Each day Spam was trying to get widows and orphans to invest their life savings in a Go server. Neither Spam nor Hornswaggle were successful. When Spam would ask widows and orphans to invest in the Go server, the widows and orphans would throw goat dung at him. Often Spam would hear a woman having an orgasm. But it turned out to be goats dropping dung.
One day after not selling any radish and fungus flowers Hornswaggle was watching The Jerry Springer Show. The theme of the show was "Taxi drivers and the women who love them". The first guest was a woman with large breasts. Her name was Passion Flour. She said she had been deserted by an international chess journalist named Spam, who gave her a yeast infection. Hornswaggle turned and looked at Spam, who was hiding under the imitation wicker patio table, which was a token of admiration by some members of the Patapanese Coast Guard. Spam was hiding because at one time he was the boyfriend of Passion Flour until she accused him of making her pregnant which he couldn't do even though he was the best lover in chess because he wasn't even in the state at the time and the warrant had his name spelled with an H and besides she told him she was on the pill or it wasn't her cycle one of them and he couldn't remember which. Spam knew he did not give her the yeast infection.
Hornswaggle said to Spam she would like to go to America, so she could go on The Jerry Springer Show and tell all of America how good a man he was. Spam said but we will need money for this. All of my millions are seized by a right wing Christian nun named Sister Bitter, and I cannot get access to them due to the corrupt state of Virginia wanting to take my money to give to my children. Something about child support.
Hornswaggle said we can sell the mud hut we are living in here in the village of Tarara. The real estate market is good. There is a Tarara boom today. We can go to America, and you can show me this thing called Welfare you have talked about.
Yes said Spam but we must go to a place where Passion Flour will not be able to find me. He thought a moment, during which he heard a woman having an orgasm. Spam decided to take Hornswaggle to a city called Allentown, a little city north of the State of Philadelphia.
To be continued....
Spam Scone
Copyright 2001, 2002 Neil Brennen. All Rights Reserved.