I Am Running for President of the United States, by Sam Sloan

In an act of self-sacrifice, in order to save my country from destruction, I am running for president. Here is what I will do if elected:

My Secret Service agents, assigned to protect me, will be strictly instructed that every night, when I go to bed, there must be a new girl in my bed, waiting for me.

Needless to say, she will have been medically checked in advance. In addition, her menstrual cycle will have started exactly 13 days earlier.

I do not care if she is beautiful, as long as she is fecund.

If Elected, all of my White House interns will receive more than just a hug from the President.

The good thing about women is that there is an inexhaustible supply of them. No man in the world, regardless of how strong or weak he may be, is able to accommodate all of the women available to him.

My White House interns will receive more than just a hug from the President.

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The people will appreciate me for this. They will know that I will not steal any money. I will have nothing to hide. I want neither money nor power. All I want is my nightly new girl.

This will leave me every morning relaxed, rested, confident, and with my mind free to concentrate on solving the nation's and the world's problems.

Throughout history, the standard deal has been that the king or ruler of a jurisdiction had the right to enjoy the pleasures or any girl or woman within his realm, any time he wanted her. It did not matter whose wife or daughter she was, the ruler could have her whenever he wanted.

This right is known in French as droit du seigneur. It existed not only in France, but in England, in the rest of Europe and throughout Asia and Africa. Indeed, every race and tribe has recognized this right. If a ruler does not exercise this right, he will be regarded as weak and ineffective and can expect to lose his power, his kingdom and perhaps even his head.

Until the Lewinsky scandal broke, Clinton had been almost universally regarded as the best and most effective president American has had in a long time. President Bush will be remembered as a weak man for one serious error. When the United States forces were just short of Baghdad and the Iraqi Army, which had amassed at the border, was surrounded and outflanked, Saddam Hussein had no troops at all stopping the American Army from walking into Baghdad and taking over Iraq. Baghdad would have fallen without a shot being fired. At that moment, Bush decided that it would be "illegal" for the US forces to take Baghdad, and ordered them to stop all troop movements.

Probably, if I had been a field commander, I would have pretended not to hear the order or I would have told my troops to ignore the mad ravings of this idiot Bush in Washington and go in and either capture or kill Saddam Hussein. Instead, the commanders of the US troops obeyed their president, even though most of them privately disagreed. As a result, over a million people have since then been ruthlessly butchered by Saddam Hussein. Saddam Hussein even unsuccessfully tried to kill George Bush himself.

Bush is unrepentant to this day. Recently, he wrote an article which was published in Time explaining why it would have been illegal and wrong to take out Saddam Hussein when the opportunity was presented on a silver platter. Bush still insists that a man like Saddam Hussein, who even murdered his own grandchildren, must be dealt with in a "legal" matter.

Virginia Governor James Gilmore will share Prison Cell with Osama bin Laden.

Fortunately, George Bush was not US President when Hitler was in power, or else Nazi Germany might have held onto all of Europe.

At least Bush was better than Carter. Carter would have allowed Saddam Hussein to keep Kuwait. Carter would have held endless staff meetings, would have severely reprimanded Saddam Hussein, and would perhaps even have insisted on stiff UN sanctions, but would not have mobilized any troops.

Carter too likes to write articles explaining his policies. Carter still doesn't get it. He simply cannot understand why everyone in the world, except for Carter himself, regardless him as weak and incapable.

Before Carter, there was Ford. Forget it! President Lyndon Johnson was absolutely right when he said, "Gerald Ford is so stupid that he can't walk and chew gum at the same time."

Until the Lewinsky scandal, Clinton was regarded not only in America but throughout the world as an excellent president. However, since then, Clinton had been unable to deal effectively with the world's problems. It is unbelievable that Saddam Hussein was able to kick out the UN Arms Inspectors from Iraq and nothing has been done about it.

If I were president, right now, hundreds of cruise missiles would be crashing into all the "presidential palaces", which are really arms depots of Saddam Hussein, hopefully catching Saddam in a meeting with all of his top ministers. Saddam Hussein would be a smoldering ash.

In addition, Osama bin Laden would be sharing a prison cell with other notorious criminals, including Virginia Governor James Gilmore.

Indeed, all of the officials of the Commonwealth of Virginia would be serving life sentences for kidnapping my daughter, Shamema Sloan.

Sam Sloan

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Contact address - please send e-mail to the following address: Sloan@ishipress.com