Letters from Jamie Rzucek to Oliver Jovanovic, which the jury was not allowed to see
Date: Sun, 17 Nov 1996 00:34:19 -0500 (EST)
From: Jamie Rzucek
Subject: R hard day
once i though i had no values.
But i didnt panic.
I just though all the world boring and stuffy.
Hi! I'm Jamie, but you can call me "Pushy Bottom". If you think I've been bad, you cannot even imagine how much worse I will be to my next victim, you!
Once i though i had no morals.
but ther's always homework, so my one moral is that i have to do school
work and get a's/
and once, today actually, the absence of values and morals closed in
around me, dark and warm and lonley--in the human sense as opposed to
i..i though i didnt belong, wansn't unified or a part of the world.
Last night i was sitting in the emergency room,
this girl i know was raped and i dragged her kicking and crying and
pleading insanities to me.
and i sat there, a bloody rag at my feet,from a stranger infected with
hiv, probably, blood smear on my pants from her, infected with hiv, well,
thats why i made her go to the hospital
and on the tv there was a cartoon, a strange one.
these monkey warriors in outter space landed on a new planet- one made
entirely out of metal.
Good the sexy female monkey said, this means there will be no hostility.
no sooner said than the metal rose up into terrifyingly hostile
prayingmantises with claws.
the monkeys destroyed the machines saying they're only machines, we dont
have to worry about taking their life, they are not alive.
later the monkeys were captured and humilated, put into monkey torchure
the sexy femals states; huh! they can't even tell teh difference between
man and monkey.
So my world's been falling down, i've been falling down. and again i
watched television, a documentary n A and e about survivor kamakazi
Video shows plane crash after plane crash and i cry, how strange.
and a japanese man says; when you die, you are supposed to scream the word
father. but it didnt feel right screaming father, mother is more
comforting. but my mother died before i knew her. There was a gisha girl
i loved. I thought i would scream her name when i died.
so i questioned why i cried- because a bit of hydrogen, nitrogen,
potassium, oxygen, Ca,ect sparked with life atrophied, entrophied, into
or was it the idea that war and death and rape and not being friends-- get
that -- that not being nice was really why i was upset.
Panic: god, i dont
know panic that well.
But what do I care if someone dies- who are they, i dont know them, and so
what if this girl was raped. she's they one who put her self into the
situation. I dont get a damn, and still i cried and hurt amd wanted to
whimper. not scream.
The closest I've ever been to panic, was a semi existential crisis
when i decided that all the world is
bloody void the color of birth, inside the womb if you could expose it to
light. knowing that the only thing that separated the
nothin inside me from the nothing outside in flesh, beautiful pink sweet
flesh. touch it it quivers,
or tightens and screams for mother.
-I want to go home.
-I'm so sad.
-And am usually so happy.
and this snuff film will have to wait a little while, until the
anethesiologist(SP) can come and numb my distraught self.
Date: Mon, 18 Nov 1996 22:29:11 -0500 (EST)
From: Jamie Rzucek
Subject: Re: tap tap-- is this thing on?
Lautremont-- its very . . .je ne sais quoi.
But i'll add it to the list of things to wow over, you see you're filled,
as in chock full o' exact esoteric refrences, which amaze the bejesus out
I, you see, have to stumble through conversations tripping out "well, you
that one guy, whats his name"'s to get my point across.
Please do tell though: Anger's films, robert Kern, Ghost in the shell---
how do you know about such out of the way, your-mom-probably-wouldn't
be-pleased-resources, even enough to seek them out?
Perhaps it's just proof of an innocuous internet addiction; that or
otherwise you're simply
(Supercool- not sure how many semesters of satan's tongue you've racked up
ANd by the way, to redeem the esteem of being distant and aloof, what i
meant by "not normal circumstances" was not that the girl was raped, but
rather that i was spent when the ordeal was over.
(just for trivia's sake: my relation to her evolved from experimental fun
on cnet-- never knew how fingering worked(not gonna say it) Soooo. . .i ,
heh heh heh, fingered and spoke with one Luke. who was attached to one
skitzophrenic stalker x-intrest d'amour. So said intrest plotted my death
as well as a means of getting attention, thus the rape. Ya, its all a
surreal deal, steal me a ticket to next week's episode)
Date: Tue, 19 Nov 1996 20:39:35 -0500 (EDT)
From: Jamie Rzucek
Subject: Re: Ahem.. . well then
man after my own heart, after all it's mroe in the smirk than the retort.
speaking of retorts, meaning, before i have to make any to you with regard
to comment i may receive after telling you what i will, let me just say:
I've taken a vow of chastity, meaning i'm trist, despite what ever else i
tangle myself up in.
So warning read, indulge indulge:
Yes i did meet him in Butler, around 3am. He was the only name that i
could grasp onto, form some identity with when compared with rs23, vld55,
o125. . . you have unix, I'm sure you relate.
Anyway the conversation was mediocere, like my spelling. It has its
charm, but when put to the test, cant hold water. .. or my attention. So
after a manic panic over the rocky horror picture show i fared adieu and
went back to french hmwk.
But thats not the end of the story. . .no, logging in sat afternoon I had
New mail, 6k, horray.
one from firstname.lastname@example.org and another from email@example.com
luke was happy I'd picked him to chat with, karen, not so happy.
Stay away from him her ominous threat warned.
So, being the spritly lass i yam, i quickly sliced her pixle personhood to
shreds avec mon wit tres sharp.
Blah blah blah. .. .
the boy calls, tells lots and lots of a life led like burroughs: heroin
addicted, bisexual atheist. My kinda comrad.
so he seduced me.
Come to Ufm, I did
come to my appartment, i did
then he got me.
Oh he sighed and pulled out an agonized tale of being young in Edinborough
and on a field trip for highschool.. .
there were "very nice boys" (according to the chaperons) who worked at
the hotel, so said chaperons let luke and his teen friend hang out with
the big boys for a night on the town. Unfortunately for poor luke, one
took a liking to him, (this is liking with twisted glint in the eye mind
you) .yes yes, so young man took young boy (luke) to empty hotel room, tied
him to bed, straddled his ass, knife to throat, no protection, come in all
the way and make it good...made it good. . .pull out laugh leave him tied
and naked and lock the door behind you.
Luke managed to get free, had to hand in his key to same man the next day
at check out. the man smiled that sick "nordic grin" and winked.
"oh wow" i perked up all the time thinking snuff film snuff film snuff
murder plot present, i presented offer of assistance.
Luke said sure, then told me more, about his old boyfriend gillian, what
he taught him. and about ginger and this one dominatrix who lives on the
he put a penny on top of my hand and lookd up at me quietly.
do you want me to tell you more he asked?
I nodded transfixed.
Date: Wed, 20 Nov 1996 01:32:09 -0500 (EST)
From: Jamie Rzucek
Subject: Re: dreadful
No duh, there's more, more interesting than sex
yes he did catch me, no sex, but he was a sadomasochist and now i'm
his slave and its painful, but the fun of telling my friends `hey i'm
a sadomasochist' more than outweighs the torment.
The suspenseful part happened a few days later, i was sitting in my room,
looks upset, whats the trouble.
well the boy's got mental problems- real live honest to goodness mental
problems, that's the trouble.
similar to Shuman, the composer.
He has . . .friends i guess; and is really kinda boring now, but i was
quite amused at the time.
there are 8 voices: twerp, green voice, red voice, the old man, rachel the
lesbian, yellow voice the heroin addict, elliot.
Soa few days after t6he confession, I confronted him about his girlfriend
calling me all the time leaving
lots and lots of emails and he freaked and whoops- out comes a
personality- so i explored.
apparently all the voices live in an appartment building in his head and
hang in the kitchen yelling at him and each other- they dont
particularilly get along well. And then when the lesbian came up- eep!
This boy is quite disturbed.
Like when I went to the x-love's abode to make her go to the hospital, he
was mad, fearing my death as well that i was ignoring him, flipped into
twerp, this young kid who Karen convinced that she was his mother.
(so not only is there codependency, its insestual as well, in a sick and
perverted set up.)
But anyway, twerp, the stuttering autistic mess, came out and started
hitting luke's head into a desk
because karen didnt want to talk to him- luke or twerp.
You know, i just though he was cool for being gay and wearing makeup.
I'm afraid: what's going to happen because I'm bord with the sceen?
you before my problem- i'm fickelly obsessive,
so as long as i'm wowing over a new mode of thought or new idea, person X
is ok. But once i'm finished its back to being apathetic, which
could be interpreted differently. And Luke, being the f-d-up kid he is has
found me,well, i dont know, something to be possessive with?something to
I'm done now, can't take much more. Besides that i'm also a bit
disturbed from this entire "not-normal
whatever. i mean you asked me.
Date: Wed, 20 Nov 1996 16:01:26 -0500 (EST)
From: Jamie Rzucek
Subject: Re: did you see? snow!
-so Oliver, you keep mentioning film after film, but where pray tell am i
supposed to find them?
-and yes, i'm what those happy pain fiends at the Vault call a "pushy
-sex magic, like the redhot chillypeppers?
i read a bondage and dominence book that had a few pages about sexmagic,i
could see flirting with that for a while.
as for the other options you mentioned, may I once again question how you
much? i mean obviously you're not locked away in Esoteria's local cinema,
you've ventured out to Burbon street as well i'm supposing.
I'm forming strange opinions about you, i have to since you wont tell me
anything but what i ask for, and with too many taboos surrounding the
questions i want to ask, i'm left to wonder.