HARD TIMES IN TOKYO, JAPAN

A Screenplay

By Samuel H. Sloan


THE SCENES DEPICTED IN THIS MOVIE ARE PURELY FICTIONAL. NOTHING IN THIS MOVIE EVER REALLY HAPPENED. ANY RESEMBLANCE OF THE EVENTS OR THE CHARACTERS IN THIS MOVIE TO ANY PERSON, LIVING OR DEAD, IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.

It is February 1984. We open with a street scene in Shanghai, China and dissolve to the dormitory of a youth hostel, which is a big room with about thirty beds, where a bunch of hippie type European young men and women are laying around discussing their travels. Most of them have back packs.

Our protagonist is named SAM. He tells the others that he is just about broke, down to his last $200.

SAM
"I'm Shanghaied over here. What can I do?"

A young, blond haired boy from Finland, in heavily accented and broken English, states:

FINNISH BOY
You can always make money teaching English in Japan. That's where I get my traveling money from. I make $15 per hour teaching English there. No problem. Also, I've hitchhiked all over Japan.

The next morning, Sam goes to the Japanese consulate in Shanghai and applies for a visa. He has spruced himself up and looks much better than on the previous day. Still, the Japanese vice-consul eyes him with extreme suspicion.

SAM
I came to Shanghai from America on computer business. Now, my company wants me to make a side trip to Japan. That's why I didn't apply for a visa in America.

This is, of course, a lie. However, the Japanese vice-consul finally gives Sam a visa.

Sam barely has enough money to buy a one-way ticket from Shanghai, China to Nagasaki, Japan, which is the nearest city in Japan with a direct flight from Shanghai. Upon arrival in Nagasaki, Sam goes to the site where his uncle was once part of the mission which dropped the A-bomb. After that, Sam stands on the freeway, trying to hitchhike. The Japanese police pick Sam up in a patrol car and warn him that it is illegal to hitchhike on the freeway. They drive Sam to a better spot, near the entrance to a major freeway. Sam catches a ride and starts his journey of hitchhiking to Tokyo.

Sam makes good progress and catches several rides. On about the fourth ride, he is picked up by three Japanese teenagers, two boys and a girl. By now, it is nighttime. The girl is very beautiful. She sits in the front seat between the two boys, but it seems that every chance she gets she turns around and smiles at Sam.

Soon, they go off the highway and stop at a private building. Sam and the three teenagers go inside. They wake up two other boys who are asleep on futons on the floor. This is obviously an office where business is done. After an agitated discussion, the four boys quickly leave, leaving Sam alone with the girl. The girl sits demurely on the floor and smiles radiantly at Sam, although she says nothing. She is very, very beautiful. Unfortunately for Sam, only a few minutes later, the boys excitedly charge back in the door and motion for Sam to come with them and get in the car. Sam gets in the car, leaving the girl behind. The four boys take Sam out to the freeway and leave Sam there to hitchhike some more.

Sam continues to hitchhike all through the night and through the next day. The last ride is a long ride with two Japanese businessmen. Incongruously, they play an American song entitled, "I Love Everything About My Boyfriend" over and over on their cassette player during the trip.

The two businessmen drop Sam off at Tokyo Station in downtown Tokyo. Sam finds his way to the tourist information booth and is given directions to the youth hostel in Ichigaya, where he spends the night.

INT. THE FRONT DESK AT THE YOUTH HOSTEL IN ICHIGAYA

SAM
Do you know where I can find a club where go is played?

FRONT DESK ATTENDANT
Oh, yes. The Japan Go Association headquarters is right behind this building right over there. I'll write down the address.

The attendant points out the direction of the building, then looks up in a book, writes an address on a piece of paper and hands it to Sam. Sam leaves the youth hostel.

EXT. THE STREET IN FRONT OF THE NIHON KI-IN

Sam walks up the street and enters the headquarters of the " Nihon Kiin ", the Japan Go Association.

INT. THE ADMINISTRATIVE OFFICE FLOOR OF THE NIHON KI-IN

Sam enters the office and speaks to a person at one of the first desks.

SAM
I have an old friend who was a student with me from Berkeley named Rogers who was a big go player there. He now lives in Japan. Do you have any idea where I can find him?

The person does not speak but leafs through a notebook. (Note that everyone seems to understand Sam's English but rarely do they ever speak back to him.) The person finds a number and makes a telephone call, and then speaks on the telephone briefly in Japanese and hands the receiver to Sam. Sam speaks on the telephone.

SAM
Hello.

ROGERS
Hello.

SAM
I'm glad to finally speak to somebody who knows English. I have an old friend named Rogers who used to play go in Berkeley. He lives in Japan now. Would you have any idea where I could find him?

ROGERS
That's me. Rogers. What is your name?

SAM
I'm Sam. I'm a chess player. I'm sure you'll remember me. I used to hang out at your house with Mara and Robin.

ROGERS
Sure. I remember you. How long have you been in Japan?

SAM
The days and nights have blurred together because I've hitchhiked all the way from Nagasaki, but I guess I got here two days ago.

ROGERS
I'd like to meet you. I'll tell you what. I'm not in Tokyo but in a little town about one hour from there. However, I'm coming to Tokyo on Thursday. I can meet you there at the Nihon Kiin at 3:00 PM that day.

SAM
Actually Rogers, I'm sorry to say this but I'm in a little trouble. I'm broke. I don't even have enough money to stay for another night at the youth hostel. I'd like to crash in your pad, to make a long story short.

ROGERS
Well, I guess we can manage that. You can come to my office. It's not much, but you can sleep on the floor, if that's satisfactory.

SAM
Beggars can't be chooses.

ROGERS
Okay. Fine. What you do is you go to Tokyo Station. Do you know how to find that?

SAM
Sure. I was just there yesterday.

ROGERS
What you do is you take the green and yellow train at Tokyo Station. It's called the Tokaido Local Line. When you enter the station there at Ichigaya, you buy the cheapest possible ticket, which will cost you 120 yen. Then you get off at Tokyo Station and change to the Tokaido Local Line. You go nine stops, past Fujisawa. When you get out of the train, you walk back to the last stairway on the platform and go up the stairs. Then, you turn right. On your way out of the station, you will pass a ticket taker. Don't show him your 120 yen ticket you bought in Ichigaya Station. Just wander past him, as though you are lost. He probably won't say anything. However, if he stops you, you will have to pay more than a thousand yen more, which you can ill afford, I imagine. If you get into serious trouble, which is unlikely, call me up and I'll bail you out. Once you get out of the station, walk straight ahead, about twenty minutes, until you see a fire station of the right hand side of the road. My office is directly across the street from the fire station.

SAM
Okay. Wonderful. I'll see you. I'm coming right now.

Sam hangs up the phone, says thank you very much to the person who made the call for him, and leaves the Nihon Kiin.

EXT. ICHIGAYA STATION

Sam enters Ichigaya Station and buys a 120 yen ticket from a machine. Sam enters the station, where his ticket is punched. Sam gets off at Tokyo Station and finds his way to the green and yellow train. He goes nine stops. When he gets off, he climbs the stairs, and then wanders past the ticket taker, as though he is lost. The ticket taker is furiously taking the tickets of other departing passengers and seems not to notice Sam. Sam walks twenty minutes, finds the fire station, and sees Rogers' head poked out of his door waiting for him. Sam enters Rogers' office.

INT. ROGERS' OFFICE

ROGERS
Welcome to Japan!

SAM
It's been a long trip. I hitchhiked all the way from Nagasaki. I got here broke.

ROGERS
I'll be glad to help you out, the best that I can. I really own you a great deal. You were my poker teacher. When I got to Japan, I did not have much money either. I made my living playing poker. That got me through the first difficult times. Without the knowledge you gave me, I might not have made it in Japan. Do you still play poker professionally?

SAM
I haven't really played in years. Later on, I got into the stock market, which is a much bigger gambling game.

ROGERS
Did you get rich?

SAM
Frankly, to make a very long story very short, I did make a lot of money at one point, but then I busted out in a big way.

ROGERS
I'd like to hear about that some time. However, turning to more urgent matters, since you're broke, I imagine that you'll be needing a job. Your best shot will be to teach English in Japan. However, this is a small town. There is not much demand for English lessons out here. This is the boondocks, as they say. There are a few students here, but I'm already teaching all of them. So, I'll try to set you up with an English language school in Tokyo. I have a few contacts there. Can you teach anything besides English?

SAM
I can teach chess and stock market.

ROGERS
Hardly anybody plays chess in Japan. However, I know one guy who says he's involved in the stock market. When I go in to Tokyo on Thursday I'll bring you along and try to introduce you to him. His name is Tony, by the way, and he's American. Meanwhile, you can sleep on the floor of this office. I have a futon in the back which I'll bring you. On Thursday, I'll help you out by buying you a suit. You can't get anywhere in Japan walking around dressed like that.

Rogers pulls out a futon which he has stored in the back of his office, plus some blankets. Sam spends the night sleeping on the futon. The next morning, the door opens while Sam is still asleep. Rogers comes in. Sam gets up, goes to the restroom and washes his face. Sam comes back and sits in a chair. The door opens and a young Japanese girl, dressed in a high school uniform, comes walking into Rogers' office.

MIKI
I'm 18 years old today!

ROGERS
Oh. Hello, Miki. Sam, allow me to introduce you to Miki. She's one of my star English students. She goes to the Toyo Eiwa Jogakuin , one of the most exclusive private high schools in Tokyo, but she still takes English lessons from me. As you've just heard, she's now 18.

MIKI
Today is my birthday.

ROGERS
Right. Miki, I want to introduce you to Sam. He is my old school buddy from Berkeley. He taught me how to play poker. This is a bad game. Sam is a bad man, so you stay away from him, but he's my friend. Sam is very smart. He plays all sorts of games. He's a chess master too, a friend of Bobby Fischer. He plays go too, a little bit.

SAM
Very little. Only about ten kyu.

ROGERS
Anyway, he plays go, so I'm going to help him get a job in Japan. Just be sure not to get involved with Sam.

Miki walks around Rogers' office, collects some papers and leaves shortly.

SAM
I don't know if you realize this, but you were the first person I ever met when I came to California. I came to the Berkeley campus from Virginia, a freshman. I'd just turned 18 the day before. The first thing I saw was a sign saying "GAME ROOM" and pointing the way. I decided that this was the place for me. I went there and there you were, playing go. You had a girl named Judy sitting next to you. You were already the best player on campus.

ROGERS
Ah. Yes. Judy. I sure haven't heard her name in a long time. What a slut! But she wasn't a bad person. She was just a poor Jewish girl who felt that nobody loved her.

SAM
Incidentally, speaking of Judy, you also had the reputation as I recall of being the biggest stud on campus.

ROGERS
That was never true! I was never the biggest stud! There is a story about that. The way that story got started was that one day I was standing on the Berkeley Campus at Sather Gate, talking to my friend Marvin, who coincidentally was also my math professor in a class I was taking. He was my topology professor. Anyway, just joking, I told him that I could plug any bitch on this campus, provided that I put my mind to it. He disputed that. He said that there must be at least one girl on this campus that I can't plug. I said that no, there's not even one bitch on this entire campus that I can't plug. I don't care who she is, as long as she's an officially registered student on this campus, I can plug her.

Now, at just that very moment, a girl happened to come walking through Sather Gate who Marvin knew. She was Japanese-American and Marvin pointed her out and said, "Now that's one bitch. I know for a fact that she's an officially registered student and I'm sure that there's no way that you could ever possibly plug her."

So right then and there Marvin and I made a suitable bet. He was my professor and he bet me a grade and I zipped off after the girl. And guess what! I won the bet, and Marvin paid me.

SAM
But, what did you do?

ROGERS
What do you think that I did? I plugged the bitch. And I got her right away. It took me less than two weeks. And she was a virgin too. It turned out that I was the first man who had ever tried. She seemed so conservative. After that, she became my girlfriend. We were together for the next several years. A more devoted girlfriend no man could ever want to have.

SAM
I remember her, of course. She used to play the piano in the living room of your house.

ROGERS
Right. You knew her.

SAM
But that alone would not have given you the reputation as the biggest stud on campus.

ROGERS
Actually, there was more to it than that. You see, my Japanese-American girlfriend was a howler. I used to plug her in her room in the girls dormitory almost every day. She cried so loud, that her cries of ecstasy could be heard all up and down the hallway of the girl's dormitory. So, when I left her room, the other girls used to hit on me. They wanted me to plug them too. I took quite a few of them up on that. But it wasn't my great technique or anything like that. I imagine that any guy who just happened to be plugging my girlfriend would have had that happen to them.

SAM
The other thing that I have always wondered about you is what ever happened to you. One day I was sitting in your apartment talking to you and everything seemed normal. The next day, I stopped by and they said that you had gone, you had left the country. There was no warning. You must have even moved out in the night or when nobody was home. You didn't tell anybody you were leaving. One day you were there. The next day you were gone.

ROGERS
Sam, I've never told anybody this story, but it's so long ago it probably doesn't matter any more. You see, I received a little visit from the FBI, so I decided to get the hell out of there. I've never gone back. It's been 17 years.

SAM
Seventeen years is a long time. What'd you do? Kill somebody?

ROGERS
No. Nothing like that. You see. It was like this. I had a little company. It was essentially a fake company, but I did a lot of business. I called it the Berkeley Technical Bookstore, but I operated it out of my apartment on Dwight Way. I had an official looking letterhead. When ever a new high technology book came out, I had McGraw Hill or Prentice Hall or whomever send me a sample copy. Then I would sell it. I made a good business out of this for years.

SAM
That would hardly warrant a visit from the FBI.

ROGERS
Actually, there was a bit more to it than that. I had this capability of getting books. Don't ask me how I did it, but I got them. All the high energy nuclear physics students and mathematics students and all the professors and people like that knew that if you wanted the very latest high technology stuff, I could get it. I didn't bother with average routine books. I was into the latest stuff. If you could get it from anybody, you could get it from me.

Then, one day, I was standing on the Fourth floor of Campbell Hall, the mathematics building, when I saw a graduate student whom I happened to know coming out of a math professor's office. He had some sort of book or manuscript under his arm. It was just a coincidence. I said "Hello", but he looked embarrassed, almost frightened, to see me.

Later, the FBI came to me. They somehow knew that I was dealing in the purloined books, which, of course, I denied. A book had been stolen from a math professor's office, but it had turned up as a used book in Moe's Bookstore. You see, this was not really a used book. This book had never been published, because it contained sensitive top secret information. This was a single special copy which had been provided solely to the math professor, who was the author. That was the only copy of this book in existence. The guy who stole it obviously must have thought that he was just stealing any old book. He had no idea of what he had. He had just sold it to Moe as a used book, and Moe had put it on the shelf of his used bookstore.

So, when the FBI came to me, I realized that coincidentally I knew who must have stolen it, but I didn't say anything. Later, I went to the Chairman of the Math Department in Campbell. At that time, they were fucking with my math degree. I really had all the credits, but they were holding it up for no valid reason. Probably they knew about the business was in. So I told the math chairman, "I know the story about the stolen book. I'll make a deal. You give me my math degree and, through my sources, I'll inquire and find out who stole your book." They knew who I was and what business I was in, so they made the deal. I gave up the name of the guy who stole the book and they gave me my math degree. He was arrested. I have no idea what happened to him.

SAM
Wonderful! So, that's how you got your math degree from Berkeley. But, what was the problem?

ROGERS
The problem was that now they had confirmed proof that I knew about things like that. They could see that I could get access to all kinds of high technology stuff. They suspected that I might be involved in the theft of national secrets, and involved in high technology transfers to Japan. It didn't help one bit that I happened to have a Japanese girlfriend. They were launching a broader investigation.

The truth was that I had a whole network of guys who were getting me stuff. I had access to everything. But these were starving students, mostly. Some of them worked part time up at the Rad Lab. But this was all just small time. I was just helping a few students get an edge by selling them information on the latest unpublished scientific discoveries. I never sold anything to Japan. I would not have had the slightest idea how to go about it, even if I had wanted to. I just made a few dollars here and there. Still, I lived off of this for years, and I had this Japanese American girlfriend, and so they suspected me.

The main point was that, even though I wasn't doing what they suspected me of doing, at the same time, what I was doing wasn't 100 percent legal either, if you know what I mean. My guys were getting me stuff which I wasn't supposed to be able to get, so I couldn't stand an investigation. Almost as soon as the FBI finished interviewing me, I headed straight for the airport. I caught a flight to Tokyo. I never went back. I think about going back from time to time, but I'm still worried about it.

SAM
They've probably forgotten about you long ago.

ROGERS
Yes. But why take the risk?

SAM
But what about your girlfriend? What ever happened to her?

ROGERS
I called her from San Francisco Airport. I told her I was leaving. I felt sorry for the poor girl. By then, we had been living together for years. I was the only man she had ever had, she said. Anyway, she didn't follow me to Japan, although I suppose that she could have.

SAM
Have you heard from her since?

ROGERS
I never saw her again, but years later a received a letter from her. After I left America, she moved back in with her parents. She later went to Germany and got married.

SAM
Meanwhile, I suppose that you must have had a good life here, messing with the local ladies.

ROGERS
Never, never. I'm happily married now, with four children. My wife loves me very much. Of course, when I first got here, I tested the waters quite a bit, but I don't do that any more. I'm just an upright respectable businessman. Nobody in Japan knows about my sordid Berkeley past, at least not until you got here.

Rogers picks up the telephone.

ROGERS (to telephone)
Hello. Tony. This is Rogers. Look. I have somebody I'd like you to meet. He's in the stock market, or at least he used to be. Can you meet us at 11:00 AM Thursday at the Bank of America in Tokyo. ...... Okay. Fine. I'll see you then.

EXT. THE JAPANESE NATIONAL RAILWAY SYSTEM

Rogers takes Sam to the train station. Sam buys a 120 yen ticket. Sam walks into the train station, has his ticket punched. Sam and Rogers get on the train. They get off at Tokyo Station. Sam walks past the ticket taker as though he is lost. The ticket taker doesn't bother him. Sam and Rogers go to the CPO (the "Central Post Office"). Rogers checks his PO box.

Rogers takes Sam to the Takashimaya Department Store, which is near Tokyo Station. Sam is fitted with a tailored suit. They then leave and walk across the street to the Bank of America lobby. TONY is waiting for them. Tony is a tall straggly looking American, about 40. Rogers invites Tony for lunch. The three of them go downstairs and enter a restaurant. They sit at a table.

INT. A RESTAURANT IN TOKYO

ROGERS
Tony, I'd like to introduce you to Sam. Sam and I were classmates together at Berkeley. We both majored in mathematics. Sam was also a chess master and a professional poker player. However, he recently busted out of the stock market. He has absolutely no money at all. He needs a job and a place to sleep. He would like to get a job teaching stock market.

TONY
I know just the man to help him. He is a very big businessman. His name is Mario. He's a Ginny from Long Island, but his ex-wife is one of the richest women in Japan. I can take you to see him now, if you want.

Sam, Tony and Rogers leave the restaurant and take the train to Mario's office, which is in Aoyama Itchome.

INT. MARIO'S ENGLISH LANGUAGE SCHOOL

MARIO is a 56 year-old American, the arch-typical "dirty old man." Mario runs an English language school in the Ishi Katsu Building at Aoyama Itchome. Mario sits at his desk at the far end of his office. Six Japanese women sit at desks shuffling paper and looking busy. One is a matronly woman in her mid-50's named Mrs. Sakai. The others are attractive young women aged 19 to 27. The 19-year-old is named HIROMI. The 27-year-old is code named NOODLES.

Mario talks so fast that it is almost impossible to understand him. Mario has the habit of using a big word when a small word will do. For example, he will say "I sent a missive" when he means to say "I mailed a letter." He also constantly uses slang words, such as "broad" and "dame". It quickly becomes apparent that the reason he does this is to disguise his conversation from the Japanese women who work for him. All of them speak some English, but when Mario talks in this way, they will not be able to understand him.

Mario invites Rogers, Sam and Tony into a back, private room in his office. It has a big arm chair in the corner (which we later find out pulls out into a bed. This room becomes significant later on.) Rogers explains Sam's story.

ROGERS
This is my old friend Sam. He is very bright and he can do a lot of things, but he busted out of the stock market in Wall Street

MARIO
Jeez! You mean to say he's another fugitive from justice, another American who can't go back to America? Why do these guys always come to Japan?

SAM
I can go back, but nobody will have anything to do with me there. I used to be a big time securities dealer on Wall Street. Unfortunately, however, I made a little miscalculation. I sold short 33,400 shares of Canadian Javelin Limited stock I didn't have. That's a company that used to be listed on the American Stock Exchange. I got caught in a short squeeze. The SEC suspended trading. I couldn't buy it back. The SEC got me enjoined from trading again. I eventually won my case in the United States Supreme Court, but nobody on Wall Street will associate with me, because I am on the official SEC shit list. They really have such a list, you know. It's published.

MARIO
Jeez! What a story! But they can't do anything to you over here. As long as you stay in Japan, they won't bother you. We've got all kinds of fugitives from justice over here. It's okay, as long as it isn't a crime in Japan, which selling short isn't. Moreover, I've got just the spot for you. We have an English language school here, but we're trying to upgrade ourselves, to teach other courses that we can charge more. Tony here is teaching a course on how to pass the NASD exam. Our clients are Nikko Securities, Daiwa Securities and Nomura Securities and we teach all their aspiring brokers. They have to pass the NASD exam in order to deal in American stocks. Our current courses are complete, but we will be starting a new course soon. Do you think you could teach them a course like that?

SAM
I can not only teach the class, but I know every rule of the NASD, the SEC and the New York Stock Exchange. I know their rules better than they do. I made the law in some of them. I beat the shit out of the SEC in the United States Supreme Court. By the way, I have a friend in New York who has all the questions on the test. He teaches a course like this, and after his students take the test, he asks them what questions were on it. For money, he will sell us the entire test, all of the questions and all of the answers. All of our students will be guaranteed to pass, regardless of whether they know English or not.

MARIO
Great! We've got a deal. Since Rogers tells me you're down and out, I'll bring you some blankets. You can sleep on that armchair in the corner which pulls out into a bed. We'll get you started teaching English classes, and set up an NASD course for you to teach. By the way, in case you happen to be interested in broads, you can get more ass than a toilet seat here.

ROGERS
Okay. It seems that this settles everything. I'm leaving now and going back. Good luck and if there are any problems give me a call. Keep in touch.

Rogers and Tony leave the office, leaving behind Mario and Sam. Shortly thereafter, Mario's son arrives, who is known as Mario Junior. MARIO JUNIOR is a handsome clean cut man around 21 who looks like James Dean. He speaks fluent Japanese.

MARIO
Sam. Meet my cousin. His name is Mario, too.

MARIO JUNIOR (shaking hands with Sam)
Pleased to meet you.

MARIO
Sam is going to be teaching the NASD course.

MARIO JUNIOR
Yea. When we get the course started again, after Tony messed it up.

Mario Junior sits down

(As Mario begins to speak, the camera moves around to show the faces of the various Japanese women working in the office that Mario is speaking about.)

MARIO
Now, Sam, there's some ground rules you need to know. In the first place, stay away from that nasty old bitch in the back. Her name is Mrs. Sakai. She's the self-appointed guardian of the virtue of all young Japanese girls. I wish I could get rid of that nasty old bitch, but she's the only person who knows how to run the business I'm supposed to be in.

Next, be careful what you say around here. You will almost never hear any of these broads speak a word of English, but all of them know it, but they are not fluent. So, you never use the common word for female. You always call them "broads" or "dames". They don't seem to know those words yet. Always use big or uncommon words or slang that they are not likely to know. Next, everybody in this office has a code name. When you talk about a person, you never use their actual name. You use their code name. Now, don't look around, but, when you get a chance, take a gander at the beautiful broad on the far end of the back row. Around here, her name is "CPO", because that's where I got her. I picked her up in the Central Post Office. Got her virginity, too. I'll tell you her real name later on, when she's not around. Now, look at the somewhat older broad in front of her. We call her "Noodles", because her father owned a noodles factory, until he died recently, poor fellow. She's 27. I got her virginity too. My son's had her too.

SAM
Your son?

MARIO
Oh. yes. I let that slip out. Mario Junior is not really my cousin. He's really my son. We just say he's my cousin so that the broads won't know how old I am.

SAM
Incidentally, I don't mean to pry into your personal life.

MARIO
Go right ahead. We don't have any secrets around here, at least not amongst us Gaijins.

SAM
You sort of implied that you've had sex with both the one called CPO and the one called Noodles. Don't you worry about having the two of them work in the same office together? They might get jealous or something.

MARIO
I'm not worried at all. They can leave any time. There's lots of others who will be happy to fill their places. I've laid every broad in this office and my son has laid them all too, except for Mrs. Sakai, of course. I tried her once, but she turned me down, the nastily old bitch.

SAM
You mean to say that both you and your son have had actual sexual intercourse with every woman in this office, with the exception of the matronly lady in the back.

MARIO
I guess you weren't listening. I already told you. In this job, you can get more ass than a toilet seat gets, provided that you want it. I popped 27 cherries last year, a personal record.

Sam now starts his new life in Japan, sleeping in Mario's office at night, while teaching English to Japanese salarymen by day. Sam often brags to his Japanese students about how his uncle helped drop the A-bomb on Nagasaki. Sam is paid 4000 yen per hour, which is roughly $18, but can only teach about two hours per day, because all Japanese salarymen want their lessons at exactly the same time, which is from 6:00 PM to 8:00 PM. The NASD course never materializes, because Tony, who used to teach the course, knew nothing about the subject and had alienated all the big Japanese stock brokerage firms who used to be Mario's clients.

Sam is required to spend every day listening to Mario, who is completely self-centered and is a non-stop fast talker. Sam quickly realizes that Mario cares nothing about the business of running an English language school. He only uses the school as an entree to get to meet Japanese girls. Mario only talks about two subjects, himself and his broads.

Mario has more than a dozen active Japanese girlfriends, plus countless others whom he has shunted aside along the way, but who call him or look him up from time to time. Mario can never stop talking about all of his girls. He recounts in sordid detail how he first got the virginity of every one of them.

Mario also has five children, one of whom is a five-month-old son named KENJI, whom Mario affectionately refers to as "that bastard kid."

Mario lives in a cooperative apartment in the Sanbancho Mansion, one of the most exclusive high rise apartment buildings in Tokyo.

MARIO
You know who I have as my neighbors? Two floors above me, in a cooperative apartment exactly like mine, is the Chairman of SONY Corporation. I ride up and down the elevator with him, as well as with members of the Diet, the Japanese Parliament, and with various chairmen of major Japanese corporations, all of whom live in the same building with me. Almost all the big-shots in Japan have known me for years. When President Eisenhower was supposed to come to Japan in 1960, I was scheduled to be the official translator, as not many were fluent in both Japanese and English back then. But an international crisis arose, and Eisenhower never came. The name of my building is the Sanbancho Mansion.

SAM
You don't seem to be a man of such means. How can you afford something like that?

MARIO
Don't forget, I've been in this country since 1946. I can read Japanese better than most Japanese. I bought my apartment when things were still cheap. Look, I'm going to take you to my place. It won't look like much by American standards but, believe me, it is a very significant place to live in Japan.

SAM
How'd you first get in there.

MARIO
That's another story which I'll tell you some other time. Anyway, there's one thing you need to know about my place now. I've got a broad in my place. She's my B.C. That means "ball and chain." Her real name is Hario, but I always call her the BC. And we've got this bastard son named Kenji. I tell you, that kid was an accident. I never should have had anything to do with that broad. As I've told her many times, I wish she'd just move out. Go back to live with her parents. All she has to do is leave the kid with me.

SAM
What's the problem? Is her name on the lease? Can't you evict her? Is there some kind of rent control?

MARIO
That's not the problem. I own the place. But, what am I going to do, call the police and have them carry her away? I've told her many times, go back to your parents, just leave the bastard kid with me. But she won't go.

SAM
How old is he.

MARIO
Five months. That's the problem. He may be a bastard, but he's still my kid. I just can't bring myself to throw my son out on the street like that. But, Jeez. I never asked to have that kid. I made an appointment with the doctor for my BC to have an abortion. But, my daughter Naomi stopped me. She begged me not to kill her brother. I couldn't go through with it.

SAM
How did this all happen? And how did you get involved with this BC?

MARIO
You see, I've got this scam going. I got 27 virgin girls last year. Every year I get a few virgins, but last year was the best. If you don't believe me, I've got my score book right here. You can look.

Mario pulls a small notebook from his pocket and displays it to Sam.

SAM
Where on earth did you get all those virgin girls from? I thought that virgins were extinct.

MARIO
No. There's still lots of them around, especially in Japan. And I've got this foolproof system. It's like this.

Mario pulls out a second notebook from his pocket, this one larger than the first, so now both notebooks are on the table.

MARIO
Now, this book is very important. You should make one for yourself. Every broad I meet or have anything to do with has a page in this book. This is my database. The page contains her telephone number and where she goes to school or works. It also contains the name of her friend. Every Japanese broad has a "friend". Her friend will often go everywhere with her. It's of vital importance to know the name of her friend. This way, when the broad calls up, I'll say, "Oh. How is your friend so-and-so." I can hardly remember the names of all of these broads, much less their friends, but I have the friend's name written in this book. When I say the name of the friend, the broad thinks that I really have an interest in her, to remember something like that. I also have other notes. I will know that the broad studies art or takes a certain kind of class and so on. Everything the broad says about herself, I write down in this little notebook and then mention it to her the next time she calls. If I didn't do this, I would get all of my broads mixed up.

This helps in other ways. Sometimes when the broad calls, she doesn't mention her own name. She thinks that I will remember her voice, but I don't. So I'll be talking to her, but actually I don't know who I 'm talking to. But if she says, "My friend Mariko", for example, I'll quickly leaf through my book until I find a broad whose best friend is named Mariko. That way, I can figure out whom I'm talking to without revealing that I've forgotten about her.

Now, Mario produces yet another book.

MARIO
Here is my appointment book. I record all the dates. When the broad wants to meet me, I look through my book to see when I have time. As a general rule, I meet three broads a day. One at about 10:00 AM, one at about 2:00 PM early afternoon, and one in the evening at about 7:00 PM. I can never let a broad spend the night with me because of my BC. That's why I wish she'd move out. I try to get laid two times a day, on the average. Sometimes I miss, but it hardly ever happens that a whole day goes by that I don't get laid. Then, at about 11:00 PM, after I've dropped the last broad off for the night, I go home and call up other broads.

SAM
Isn't it too late to be calling broads at 11:00 PM?

MARIO
This is Japan and things are different here. In this country, almost everybody has some sort of part time job or goes to school or something in the evening. They generally do not get home until 11:00 PM, so you often have to call at that time. The most important thing in all of this is to keep these broads from knowing about each other. Every broad has to be made to believe that she is the only woman in my life.

SAM
This is all very interesting, but what has this got to do with your BC. That's what I asked you about initially.

MARIO
Oh. Yea. The BC. You see, I've got this terrific scam. Of the 27 virgins I got last year, most of them were from this. There's this terrific newspaper. It's called the Hiragana Times. Most of the subscribers are very young Japanese broads who are trying to learn English. They put their names in the newspaper saying that they want a pen pal. So, I write them a letter. Most of these broads are only about 13 years old.

SAM
Thirteen years old?

MARIO
Yea. But I don't just lay them right away. I write them, and they write me back. I got them on a schedule. From the initial correspondence, I write them once a month for the next three to five years. I think of this as my investment in the future. I write letters to these broads once a month for five years and, as my reward, they give me their virginity. It's like bringing in the harvest.

SAM
How does that work? Do you go to see them?

MARIO
Of course not. I would never do a thing like that They come to me.

SAM
Really!

MARIO
Yea. You see, after corresponding with me for five years, the broad has built up this image in her mind of what I look like and what kind of person I am. Of course, I'm really not that kind of person at all, but they don't find that out, until it's too late.

SAM
So, what happens?

MARIO
So, almost every high school in Japan, for the junior year, takes the entire class to Tokyo. Most of these broads I write to live in the small little towns a long ways from here. So, I get this letter from this broad which says "Surprise. Guess what? I'm coming to Tokyo for the first time in my life. I can finally meet you!" These innocent broads from the prefectures, they have no idea what's really going on here in Tokyo. So, the broad tells me the exact time and place where her school bus will arrive in Tokyo. So, when the bus pulls up, I'm standing right there, waiting for her. By this time, I have her picture, so I know what she looks like. So, straight away, when she gets off the bus, I take here to my apartment and, WHAM, right away, I got her virginity. Just like that. It works every time.

SAM
Incidentally, just to let you know, since you've been away for a while, in America they have laws which tend to discourage things like that.

MARIO
Yes. But this is Japan.

SAM
You mean to say there's no law against that here?

MARIO
Look. If they passed a law in this country that you're not allowed to have sex with a 16-year-old girl, then almost all the members of the Diet, almost all of the CEO's of major corporations and almost all of the buchos and sachos of major Japanese corporations would all be in jail. There'd be nobody left to run this country.

SAM
Everybody does it?

MARIO
It's diminished recently, but it's always been in the fine tradition of this country. Every man of importance and prominence has a few young broads on the side. It's a matter of prestige. It's been that way for centuries, since the origins of time. In this country, a man, it didn't matter how much money he had, wasn't much of a man if he didn't have at least two or three concubines on the side, in addition to his regular wife and children.

SAM
But, I've heard that's stopped now.

MARIO
The only reason it's really diminished is because it's become too expensive to maintain a concubine in this country. There's plenty of stuff out there. There's lots of women who aspire to become a concubine but who cannot find a man who can afford them. Take my building, for example. Years ago, when I moved in, the building was filled with concubines, all wearing their kimonos. In my building, 90% of the residents were women. Other than myself, it was rare to see a man in the building.

SAM
Where were their men?

MARIO
Mostly, they were members of the Diet who kept their concubines in the building. Most of the year they would live with their proper wife and children out in the prefecture, somewhere in their constituency. However, when Parliament was in session, they would come here to Tokyo, where they would shack up with their concubines. Their wives back home officially never knew about the concubines, but everybody knew that this was going on.

SAM
So. What happened?

MARIO
What happened was that land prices went up so high that nobody could afford them. A cooperative apartment in my building now costs more than one million dollars. It was peanuts before. Who's going to pay one million dollars just for a place to stash his concubine, to give her a place to crash? So, the concubines had to go. They all moved out. There's a lot of out-of-work concubines in Tokyo now, which constitutes a major unemployment problem. And there's still lots of broads who would like nothing better than to get a good job as a concubine, if only she could find a man who can afford her.

SAM
Now, back to my original question. You keep talking about this, but what has this got to do with your BC?

MARIO
Don't you understand. That's how I got her! She was my pen pal. She got her name published in the Hiragana Times. I wrote her letters for five years. She is from Nagoya. In her junior year of high school, she came on her school bus trip to Tokyo. I picked her up at the bus stop, took her to my place and got her virginity. Like clockwork. Same old routine. Just like all the others.

SAM
Then what?

MARIO
Then, she did something which no other broad has ever done. She just wouldn't leave. She wouldn't go.

SAM
You mean she's never left since?

MARIO
Not exactly. She caught the school bus back to Nagoya with the rest of her classmates. But she kept writing these letters. She kept saying that she wants to come again. I never encouraged her. I even told her not to come.

Then, one fine day, the doorbell rang. I answered the door, and there was Hario, suitcase in hand. She claimed that she had some sort of problem with her parents and that she had to move out. They threw her out, she said. She said she can't go back there.

So, what could I do? I couldn't slam the door in her face. Naturally, I let her in the front door. Have you ever heard the story about the Arab who allowed the camel to put his nose in the tent? Little did I know what was going to happen next. Naturally, I let her spend the first night there. But, I was careful. I didn't lay her. I didn't touch her. The next day, a delivery man from Nagoya rings the doorbell. Hario was standing by the buzzer. She buzzed him up, and then answered the door. The next thing I know, a whole shit load of stuff, all belonging to Hario, was in the living room of my apartment, and the delivery man has gone. I said "Whoa! Wait a minute!" I told her she couldn't do that. She had to move her stuff out.

Finally, I had a sit-down with her. I gave her a talking to. I told her she couldn't stay any longer. She had to find some place else to live. But she begged me not to throw her out. Finally, I gave in and said that she could stay just one more night. She promised to find her own place tomorrow, but she didn't. She's still there today. What do you want me to do, call the police?

SAM
But, what about Kenji?

MARIO
Oh. Yea. I almost forgot. My bastard son, Kenji.

How that happened was that one day, I was sitting around my apartment at about 2:00 PM. My date that morning wouldn't give me a lay and my afternoon date had canceled. I was going to meet another broad that evening who was going to lay me for sure, but I couldn't stand it. I just couldn't wait any longer. So, I decided to go into the bathroom and beat my dick.

But, just before doing that, I looked across the room and there was Hario sitting there. All of a sudden, she looked mighty good. And it was almost like she must have read my mind. I didn't say a single word. She came right over and sat down next to me. And she reached over and she touched me and, WHAM, she was pregnant.

SAM
If you didn't want a kid, why didn't you take precautions.

MARIO
And that's another thing. I don't want any more kids. I've got too many already. I lay broads all the time, and none of them get pregnant. But, once again, Hario did something which no other broad has ever done. What I normally do is, I cum outside the broad. The reason is, here in Japan, the broads don't like to take pills. It's hard to get them, too. The Ministry of Health makes them difficult to get. And me, I don't like rubbers. I have a hard time getting off in a broad with a rubber on. So, I ejaculate outside. The broads don't seem to mind it and I don't want any more babies.

SAM
I can't imagine that's very satisfying. I couldn't do that myself.

MARIO
For me, it's fine. I'm just as happy. Some times, many times, the broad complains about it, but that's tough.

SAM
Fine. So, what went wrong?

MARIO
Damn it! (pounding his fist on the table). This time, just when I was getting ready to cum, Hario grabbed me real tight around the waist. She wouldn't let go. She wouldn't let me out. I tried to stop myself. I tried to get out. But I was cuming already. I couldn't stop. It just came out. There was nothing I could do. That's how Kenji got his big start in this world.

SAM
So that was it?

MARIO
No. It wasn't quite over yet. Of course, I had no way of knowing right away that Hario was pregnant. Naturally, I hadn't kept her temperature chart or anything like that. And the BC, she didn't let a peep out about it. But after a few months, it started to become obvious that something was cooking. So, I took her to the doctor and naturally she was pregnant. I told her that she had to have an abortion right away.

SAM
And she refused?

MARIO
No. She never refused. She never refused. She cried an awful lot, but she never refused. She heard me on the telephone, when I made the appointment to see the abortion doctor, and she didn't say anything.

SAM
So. What happened?

MARIO
On that fateful day, when the abortion had been scheduled, we were dressed and ready to go. Hario was ready. We were on our way out the door. And, then, suddenly, my 10-year-old daughter, Naomi, grabs Hario around the waist. She says: "Please don't kill my brother. Don't take her please." And she starts crying. And she wouldn't let go of Hario.

You see, Naomi doesn't have much of a mother and, by this time, she had gotten attached to Hario. Naomi has a real mother. Her name is Naluko, but she's a real scum. Naomi's mother abandoned her daughter since the age of six, and hasn't seen her since. Naluko threw Naomi out of the house. Naomi called me on the telephone, told me to come and pick her up. She was at her grandparent's house. I drove over there. Naomi was standing on the street waiting for me, with her suitcase in hand. Can you imagine? A six year old child!

Naomi has been with me ever since. We had a child custody case. The court granted her mother weekly visitation. The first weekend, we sat around the apartment waiting for Naluko to show up at the appointed time. She never came. She never came at all, and she's never come since. That's why Naomi hasn't seen her mother in five years.

SAM
Fantastic!

MARIO
So, you see why I call her mother a scum. And would you believe this? Naomi's mother is from one of the richest families in Japan. They own an office tower, the Ginza Fugitsu Building across from Ginza Station, and a chain of coffee shops. Altogether, they have about one billion dollars, in yen, of course. They have all the money in the world, but that scum Naluko doesn't want her daughter. And Naomi's her only child.

SAM
Really unbelievable!

MARIO
Getting back to Hario, by this time, Naomi's grown attached to her and these days children know everything. Naomi knows that Hario's got a baby inside and where we're going and everything like that. So we're going out the door and Naomi grabs Hario around the waist and says, "Don't kill my brother!" and she sobs and cries. So, what can I do? Can I say, "Doesn't matter. We're going to kill the kid anyway." I couldn't bring myself to do it. Finally, I called the abortion doctor and canceled the appointment. After that, Naomi calmed down.

I can guarantee that Naomi saved Kenji's life. That kid was going to get killed that day, if Naomi hadn't done that. Kenji is a very healthy, happy kid now, a bouncing baby boy.

Anyway, now that I've told you the whole story. I ought to take you to meet them. Let's go.

Mario and Sam put on their coats and leave Mario's office.

EXT. ENTRANCE TO THE SANBANCHO MANSION, MARIO'S COOPERATIVE APARTMENT BUILDING

Sam and Mario enter the Sanbancho Mansion and get on the elevator.

MARIO
Look. We're only going to be here a few minutes. I have to pick up some things and take care of some personal business. I also have a date with a broad, so we'll have to get in and out real fast. The main reason I'm bringing you along is that I have some stuff here I need to have carried back to my office for Mrs. Sakai. If I carry it myself, I'll be late for my date.

INT. MARIO'S COOPERATIVE APARTMENT

Mario rings the doorbell. HARIO opens the door and lets them in.

MARIO
Hario, meet Sam. He's a real nice guy I've been telling you about. He just flew in from America. He's a big time stock market trader. I had him flown in to teach my NASD course.

Hario seems to be a nice lady of average appearance.

Sam continues to follow Mario. Sam doesn't talk to Hario. Mario passes a five month old baby who is sitting in a car seat on the floor. Mario points out KENJI.

MARIO (while rushing past)
Meet my bastard son, Kenji.

Sam ogles Kenji, who is a cute baby boy.

SAM (to Kenji)
Ohio Gosayamas

MARIO
And now, met my daughter, Naomi.

NAOMI has reddish brown hair and is obviously a mix between American and Japanese. She seems to be a very nice girl. Sam doesn't talk to her, either. After only a few moments, Sam and Mario are on their way out the door.

MARIO
Let's go.

Sam and Mario go out and get on the elevator.

INT. THE ELEVATOR IN THE SANBANCHO MANSION.

SAM
I'm really surprised. Naomi seems to be an exceptionally sweet nice girl, and you say that her mother hasn't even tried to see her in five years.

MARIO
Yep. That's the way it is.

SAM
And after all the things you said about Hario, I thought she was going to be some horrible ogre. But she seems to be a very nice, good looking lady.

MARIO
Yea. Sure. Everybody likes Hario. I never met a person yet who didn't like Hario. They're always saying good things about Hario. If they like her so much, why don't they take her off of my hands? I wish she'd find somebody else and move out.

SAM
You know, she actually looks really good. I could go for somebody like her.

MARIO
Dozo. Be my guest. You're welcome to lay Hario. I'm not going to set you up with her. You're on your own. But you're welcome to try. But if you do manage to lay her, you have to promise to tell me about it. That'll finally give me the perfect excuse to make her move out of here.

(Note: In spite of this open invitation, Sam never follows up on this. Sam never tries to speak to, much less to lay, Hario.)

Mario hands Sam the papers he needs taken back to his office.

MARIO
Be sure to take these papers back to the office right away and give them to Mrs. Sakai. They're needed right away.

Sam and Mario split up.

INT. MARIO'S OFFICE SOME DAYS LATER

As usual, Sam and Mario sit across two desks from each other and Mario talks about himself and his experiences.

SAM
After you came to Japan, how long did it take before you started laying these broads.

MARIO
It didn't take long. It was much easier then. You could hardly miss. You see, I first got here in 1946, when I was 17 years old. I'd enlisted in the Army. I lied about my age. When I first came to Japan, I still had my virginity, but not for long.

The first broad I got in my life, I'll never forget. She was 16 years old. She was dressed in rags. She was wearing something that looked like a gunny sack. She took my virginity.

SAM
How did you meet her?

MARIO
She was a hooker. She was standing on the street. They used to call them pompon girls. Her price was a package of American cigarettes. That was the standard deal in those days. For that, she gave me everything.

SAM
Was she beautiful?

MARIO
Not at all. She had buck teeth. She was very plain. But, to tell you the truth, I've always had a soft spot in my heart for that broad. I still think about her every week or two.

At this point, tears begin to well in Mario's eyes, as he continues the story.

MARIO
You know, I'd really like to find that broad again. I want to know whatever happened to her.

SAM
How long did you know her?

MARIO
Oh. It was a very brief encounter. Her name was Shiraya. She took me into an alleyway and into a bombed out building. The building was just a shell, no roof. It was winter. She was wearing burlap bags, issued by the US Army. She started peeling them off. It was kind of slam, bam and thank you mamm and it was over. She smelled like a dead fish. She had a friend with her, another girl who acted as a lookout while she performed the foul deed. But, there was something about that particular broad which stuck in my mind ever since. I don't know what it was.

SAM
Why didn't you go back and get her again?

MARIO
I did, or at least I tried. The very next day I went back to that same place, but she wasn't there. I went there again and again, many, many times. I asked people in the neighborhood. They said that there was no hooker standing in that place. I could never find that broad again. Even today, whenever I go to that area, I go to the very spot where I met that broad, still looking for her. I keep imaging that I'll see her walking by some day. I'd really like to find her again.

SAM
Oh. She's probably dead by now. She must have died of VD or of radiation poisoning or of who knows what. Hooking is a dangerous job. In the Philippines, hookers die like flies over there. Every few days, another hooker dies.

MARIO
But here in Japan, they last a little longer. No. She's probably still alive. By now, she's a matronly old lady, almost exactly the same age as Mrs. Sakai over there, with grandchildren. By now, nobody would ever know about her sordid past and, even of they knew, they wouldn't say anything. Back then, it was a struggle just to survive. We know that some of the most socially prominent women in Japan today must have been hookers after the war.

SAM
I really can't believe that any normal, well bred, well educated woman would become a hooker, regardless of the economic conditions.

MARIO
It's a totally different situation today. Like, that broad who took my virginity, for example. Were it not for losing the war, she might have been a student in some hotsy, totsy school. But, because of the war, her father and brothers were all dead. They died for this. Those guys died so that their sister or daughter could stand on the street and sell her pussy to a passing GI for a package of American cigarettes.

Still, I can't tell you why my thoughts keep coming back to that particular broad. I've had so many, but she is the one who is always on my mind. Who knows who she was or what she might have been? Tokyo and Yokohama had been reduced to rubble. This place was flatter than a pancake. All these high rise buildings you see now weren't there then. People had nothing to eat then. This broad, the broad who took my virginity, was just struggling to stay alive and, when I say she wasn't very beautiful, remember that it is totally unfair to compare her with the broads we have today. These broads today are wearing the latest Paris fashions and all that mascara and makeup, and then they complain bitterly that they can't get this or that. Those broads back then had nothing. Absolutely nothing.

The telephone rings. Mario answers.

MARIO (to telephone)
Oh. Hello. I'm sorry I haven't called you lately. I've been very busy. We have a lot of new students at this school. A lot of new clients. Big corporations who want us to teach English to all their employees. I've just been buried under work.

Mario frantically pulls out both his date book and his appointment book and flips through the pages. He finally seems to find the right page, which has the information on the woman whom he obviously has on the line.

MARIO
Now, I'm just looking at my schedule of work which has to be done. I've got some important meetings scheduled with clients, but I think I can fit you in at 6:00 PM on Tuesday, if you're free at that time. ..... No. You have an arbeit on Tuesday? Okay, how about Thursday at 6:00. I have an opening then too. You'd better let me know now because I'm on a very tight schedule. (pause) Okay, that's fine, I'll see you at six on Thursday.

Mario looks at his date book, with information on this particular girl.

MARIO
Now, as I recall, you have a friend named Tomoko. I have a real nice guy here named Sam. He just got in from America. So, I'd like to introduce him to Tomoko. Can you bring her along? (pause) You're not sure if Tomoko is available? Okay, check with Tomoko. If she's available, bring her along. Otherwise, bring another friend, somebody like her. (pause). Okay. Where can we meet? Let's meet at the koban at Akasaka Mitsuke Station. I'll pick up you and your friend in my car. I'll see you there.

Mario puts down the telephone.

MARIO
That's it Sam. Your first official date in Japan. I'm going to get you laid. You'll see how easy it is, as long as you follow certain rules. Tomoko isn't bad looking either.

SAM
Have you ever laid her?

MARIO
No, and I've never laid the other one either. This will be my first date with her too. But that doesn't mean anything. Japanese broads always come across eventually, sooner or later. It's just a question of time.

Now, I'm going to teach you a few tricks and some rules to follow. Thing's you'll need to know to get laid in Japan.

To start off, unlike in America, you never meet a broad at her place. You don't pick her up at her house. You almost never meet her parents. Not that there's any problem. You can call her at all hours of the day or night. Her parents will never say anything. In Japan, the parents never interfere in their daughter's love life, which makes it especially good for us.

Another reason why you don't go to the broad's place is that she probably lives in a dingy little place that she isn't very proud of. She might even be living in a single six mat room with her mother and father. She doesn't want you to know that. By the way, here in Japan, they have three kinds of rooms: three mat, four and a half mat and six mat. In Japan, everything is uniform like that. Don't ever try to rent a five mat room. There ain't no such thing in Japan.

Now, when you go to met the broad, you gotta meet her at a neutral meeting point. One of the best places to meet a broad is at the "koban" or "police box". There is one near the entrance of almost every train or subway station in Tokyo. What they mainly do is give directions, but it is often the ideal place to meet a broad.

SAM
Do Japanese people need directions?

MARIO
Sure. All the time. That's another crazy thing about Japan. They have a ridiculous system for addresses here. They don't have an orderly system of street numbers. Instead, the first building constructed in a district is called building number one, the second is building number two, and so on. So, if you have an address, and it says building number 14, you will never find it, unless you happen to know that particular building. Of course, they have maps and indexes with all the buildings listed, which people often carry with them. Nevertheless, most people still need to go to the koban if they want to find a particular address.

Now, the reason that you will want to meet the broad at the koban is that almost every station in Tokyo has more than one exit. So, if you tell the broad that you'll meet her at the station, she will want to know which exit. If you cannot agree on the exit, you'll probably never find her. You've seen Tokyo Station. Imagine trying to find someone in there. There are so many millions of people walking around. On the other hand, there will usually be only one koban. It will be a small police box. Everyone will know where it is, and you can't miss the broad if you agree to meet her there.

Now, if, for some reason, you cannot meet her at the koban, you will have to agree on one specific reference point, a place that everybody knows. For example, if you want to meet her in Roppongi, you meet her at the clock tower on Roppongi corner. Exactly there. Everybody knows that place. It's a famous meeting point. However, I never meet a broad there.

SAM
Why not?

MARIO
Because every time I go there, there's always at least twenty or thirty broads standing there waiting for their dates. Every girl wants to meet her boyfriend there. Try walking by there some time, and see what I mean. Any hour of the day or night, you'll always find a whole bunch of girls waiting for their respective dates.

Another example is the "rendezvous point" inside Tokyo Station. Note that the Japanese Government recognizes a need for this, so they have set up a specially designated meeting point there. Otherwise, you could never find anybody inside that place. There's miles of tunnels and corridors inside that thing.

Anyway, that's enough lessons for now. But, mark my words, I want you to remember that I've done this for you. Do exactly what I say, follow my instructions exactly, and you're going to get Tomoko's pussy. By the way, I'm pretty sure she's a virgin too. I've seen her only once, but it's clear she's a virgin. All Japanese girls try to pretend and act like virgins. They have a thing about that in this country. The broad can be the biggest slut in town, she can be passing out free pussy all over Tokyo, but she'll still try to pass herself off as a virgin. But once you get to know these broads petty well, you can unusually tell which one really is a virgin and which one really isn't.

SAM
By the way, didn't I overhear you say that it isn't certain that Tomoko is coming?

MARIO
Don't worry! Tomoko will be there!

SAM
How can you be so sure?

MARIO
One very good thing about Japanese broads, as compared to broads around the world, is that they're very reliable. When the broad says she'll meet you at six o'clock, she'll be there on the dot. If they're even one or two minutes late, it's unusual. So you can just about count on it. Tomoko, whom you've never even met yet, is going to give you your first virgin pussy in Japan!

SAM
But there's one more thing. You've still really just barely met me. Why are you doing all these wonderful things for me?

MARIO
Here in Japan we have a great tradition, the sensi, the teacher, the old master. He takes the fledging apprentice under his wing and teaches the fine art. You will be my protégE I am going to teach you the higher art form of how to lay broads in Japan.

One reason why I've selected you for this great honor is that you are obviously a man of substance. You may be broke and down and out, but you are obviously a cut above the average hippie who drops by Japan hoping to make some quick money teaching English so he can continue his travels.

I haven't told you this before, but I've been thinking about this. I can see that there's something about you. Somebody's chasing you. You're on the run from something. You told me you had problems with the SEC, but it's something more than that A man of your ilk does not just arrive in Japan in such miserable condition. You had to get away fast. You're running from somebody or something.

I don't want to know what it is. I don't want to know your problem. I just want you to rest assured that you are safe here. Nobody will touch you in Japan. Even if they find you here, they can't gun you down. In the first place, they don't have any guns here. I know all about that. I used to be in the business of selling guns myself. They were antique guns, but real guns nevertheless. They called me "The Angle of Death." The Government closed me down tighter than a drum. They took away all my antique guns, too.

Anyway, that's why I've decided to take you under my wing. It's a great opportunity for me too, to have a protégEsuch as yourself. Frankly, it's advantageous to me. There are two special things that I will want you to do for me from time to time.

SAM (gulping)
What's that?

MARIO
The first thing is this: Sometimes, very often in fact, I make a date to meet a broad and she brings along another broad. Japanese broads always are pairing up. They come in twos. The other broad is supposed to act as sort of a bodyguard, to protect the lady's virtue.

So, when that happens, I want you to be on call, at any hour of the day or night. I might call you up and say, Sam, I've got this extra broad here and I want you to speed over here right away and take this extra broad off my hands. Believe me, that's going to happen a lot. One problem here in Japan is you can't lay two broads at once. If you have a broad alone, you have an excellent chance to lay her. However, when she brings along her friend, you're dead in the water. That's where you cum in. I'll need you to cum to the rescue, to take one of the broads off my hands. Naturally, I'll tell you which broad is yours, and which one I'm keeping for myself.

SAM
I'm a flexible guy. I can live with that.

MARIO
And another thing, if that happens, you don't have to worry about money. I'll pick up the tab. I've got plenty of money. I'll pay the restaurant bills, which will often be considerable. If you need to take the broad someplace, I'll give you pocket money. And, of course, I'll be rooting for you, hoping like hell that you lay the broad I've given you. If you can lay your broad, it greatly improves my chances of laying the one I've got.

SAM
This appears to be an extremely fair bargain. Now, what's the second thing you want.

MARIO
The second condition, which is vastly more important than the first, is that sometimes, especially late at night, I need to use this office to get laid. That's what burns me up so much about having the BC in my home. I can't lay a broad in my own place, because the BC is there, so I have to bring her here. I lay them on the chair in the back that pulls out into a bed.

SAM
You lay the broads in this office? Why don't you show them some respect and take them to a hotel or something?

MARIO
Again, this is Japan. As a general rule, a broad won't let you take her to a hotel. Somebody might see her. It's a public place. Of course, they have "love hotels" all over the place and they do a booming business, but even those places have a secret entrance that cannot be seen from the street, or they might be in an elevator building with respectable businesses on the other floors. But the basic thing is that everybody in Japan knows that when a Japanese broad enters a hotel room with a man, she's there to get laid, and for no other reason.

In my case, my regular broads, the broads I've laid many times before, would be willing to go to a hotel with me, if necessary, but they will always prefer to come here rather than to go to a love hotel.

Another thing, since you just arrived in Japan, you will not appreciate this, but this particular location is one of the best locations in all of Tokyo for getting laid in the office. I went all over Tokyo and searched long and hard for this place.

SAM
What's so special about this? It seems like just a regular office.

MARIO
Look out the window. What do you see?

SAM (looking out the window of the Ishi Katsu Building)
Nothing, except for a big park.

MARIO
Right! A big park. Now consider this whole location. By day, it's a bustling street corner, but by night, it's one of the deadest places in the city. Nobody lives in this building. There's not a single late night restaurant around here. There are only office buildings around in this neighborhood. We don't even have a doorman. After 5:00 PM, everybody goes home. At night, this street corner is deserted. Not a soul can be found anywhere around here.

SAM
So. What's so great about that?

MARIO
Don't you understand. When I bring a broad here at night, nobody's going to see her. Nobody will ever know that she's fucking here. When I bring a broad here at night, there will be nobody in this entire building, other than myself and the broad. Nobody within earshot. That makes it very, very easy for me to lay her, for all sorts of reasons.

SAM
I think I understand what you're leading up to. You're saying, if you decide to bring a broad here late at night, you want me to clear out, so that the broad will not see me, and you can get laid.

MARIO
Exactly. Any time of the day or night, if I call you and tell you to clear out, you've got to get out within five minutes at the very latest. Don't worry. I won't be too long. A couple of hours at the very most. I never sleep here. After I've finished laying the broad, I take her to the train, and then I go back to my place to sleep.

SAM
Well, it's an inconvenience but, fine, it's a deal. I guess that's a reasonable condition. After all, it's your place. Anyway, I would never want to stand in the way of true love.

EXT. THE KOBAN AT AKASAKA MITSUKE ON THURSDAY AT 6:00 PM

Sam and Mario meet Mario's date and her friend Tomoko, who has come, as Mario predicted. Mario's car is waiting. They get into the car, and Mario takes them to a fancy club in Ginza.

INT. A FANCY CLUB AT GINZA

Mario meets the maitre d', speaks to him discreetly in Japanese, and they are shown to a table. The four of them sit on the floor around the table, Japanese style.

MARIO
I know you're not going to appreciate this. This place might not look like much to you, but this happens to be one of the most exclusive hot shot places in all of Tokyo. Only the top buchos and sachos can afford to get into this place. They bring their business clients here.

SAM
What makes this place so special?

MARIO
It's very difficult to explain this unless you really know Japan. But you will see that at almost every table but ours, there's a broad wearing a fancy kimono who is pouring the drinks.

SAM
Right. Fine.

MARIO
Now, that broad is supplied by the club. Over there for example, those two buchos didn't bring that broad. She works for the club, and they're paying through the nose to have that broad sit there and pour their drinks.

SAM
How much could it possibly cost them to have some old Japanese broad sit on the floor and pour them drinks?

MARIO
That is not just some old Japanese broad! That is a very refined, cultured, trained and distinguished broad who pours those drinks in a certain exactly precise way. Believe me, it costs a lot.

SAM
Is she a geisha?

MARIO
That's really almost an obsolete term. I suppose that you can still find geishas in Japan or a geisha house somewhere out in the prefectures, but they don't really have geisha's anymore. The women are still there, but the system has collapsed. The old structure isn't there. They are no longer trained from childhood, so they aren't really geishas. But, believe me, you still have to pay them a lot of money to get them to pour the drinks.

SAM
How much could it possibly cost?

MARIO
Believe me it costs a lot. As a matter of fact, if you want to fuck that very broad over there. You want to fuck her brains out, to fuck her in the ears, the mouth, the nose and the ass, it will cost you an awful lot less money than to have that same broad pour your drinks.

SAM
They doesn't seem reasonable or logical.

MARIO
This is Japan! It's perfectly logical to them. Any broad any where in the world can give up pussy. Pussy's basically the same, everywhere you go. It really doesn't matter whether the broad is beautiful, or if she's ugly as sin, or if she's young or if she's old, the pussy she gives you will still be basically the same. Any broad can do it.

But that broad over there is highly trained and cultured in the fine art of pouring drinks and in sitting in exactly the right way and wearing a certain special kind of kimono and so on and so forth and she pours those drinks in exactly that certain special way, and those buchos are willing to pay for that. It's a matter of prestige in Japan.

SAM
Which brings me to the next question, which is, why isn't a broad like that sitting here pouring our drinks?

MARIO
The first thing I did when I walked in the door to this place is that I told the maitre d' that we don't want no broads pouring our drinks. We got our own broads. Of course, they knew that already. I come here all the time. I'm a regular here, and I'm a member of this club. They know that I never come here unless I have a broad with me.

SAM
I suppose that means that we pour our own drinks?

MARIO (chuckling)
Shit no. Tomoko is going to pour your drinks and the one I've got is going to pour my drinks.

SAM
Are you going to ask them to do that?

MARIO
We don't have to ask. They knew that as soon as we walked in the door and they saw what kind of place this is. Believe me, if we even try to pour our own drinks, they won't let us. They will insist on pouring the drinks for us.

SAM (smiling, chuckling and feigning horror)
You mean to say that we're going to let a couple of rank amateurs pour our drinks?

MARIO
You can hardly call them rank amateurs. Every Japanese broad receives basic training in this from childhood. It's part of their culture. Don't worry, they can somehow manage to pour a drink, even though they might not reach the height of exact perfection at the level of the broads who work in a place like this.

SAM
My next question is: Why did you bring these broads here? Couldn't we have taken them to a less expensive place, to a coffee shop somewhere.

MARIO
In the first place, I've got a little secret. I've been a regular dues paying member of this club since the 1950's. The annual and monthly dues for this place cost a lot of money, but the price for this piece of sushi I'm pushing is much less than those guys over there are paying. Also, they let me run a tab here. Finally, if you go to some little coffee shop, you will be astounded at what the bill might add up to, and you have to pay in cash.

However, the real reason I come here is that I want to intimidate these broads a little bit. I want to get their cunt juices flowing. As soon as they walk in the door, they know that this place is as expensive as shit. They will not say a word about it, but they are probably awestruck now. They have probably never been in place like this before in their entire lives. They've never dreamed of being able to come to a place like this.

SAM
So, the idea is, they will have to find a way to make it up to us, to show us how appreciative they are to us for bringing them here.

MARIO
That's part of the idea, although we will never even imply such a thing. Basically, the idea is to intimidate them and put them in a predicament where they don't know how to react. It sure makes it a lot easier for them to justify their actions when they give up all that good, good pussy later on. Also, as you know, I don't really drink at all, but I like to put a glass of whiskey in front of a broad to see how she'll react. What she'll do. It puts her on the spot. In most cases, she'll turn it down. She won't touch that drink. But if she drinks the whiskey in that glass sitting in front of her, I know for sure that I'm getting laid tonight.

Meanwhile, the drinks have arrived and, just as predicted, Tomoko and the other one have poured drinks for Sam and Mario. They sit demurely throughout, and never say anything. They also never touch the drinks.

SAM
I've been meaning to ask you this. I didn't have the nerve to ask you this before, but now that I've seen this place, I can't hold this question any longer. Where do you get your money from?

I know you've got a school, but that's really bullshit. I've been able to observe that you don't give a shit about your business, except to the extent that broads sometimes want English lessons, which gives you a chance to lay them. You hardly ever get new clients. The phones aren't exactly ringing off the hook. Moreover, the rent for your office must be astronomical and, in addition, you have to pay the salaries for all those broads who work for you. So, where do you get your money from?

MARIO
Actually, I don't really pay Noodles, CPO and the other broads who works for me very much, except for Mrs. Sakai, who actually runs the place. She's the only one who really gets a living wage, that nasty old bitch. I wish I could get rid of her.

SAM
Incidentally, with all those hot and cold running secretaries you have, I imagine that you must get a hard on every now and then, just looking at them.

MARIO
Not at all. I never think about them. I've had all of them, long ago. In most cases, I got their virginity. They never cross my mind. It's the new broads, like the two we've got here, that gets me excited.

SAM
So, you gave those girls each a job and then you got their pussies?

MARIO
No, it's the other way around. I never give a broad a job unless I've laid her first. It's official company policy. So, the way it was, first I got their pussy and then, if they turned out to be one of those who just keep hanging around me and never go away, I finally offered them a job, usually at a meager wage. They took me up on it, but they didn't have to. Most of them could make more money at a real job but, for some reason, they prefer to work for me.

SAM
So, you've really laid both Hiromi and Noodles. They appear to be such nice and proper ladies.

MARIO
Many times. And my son has laid them too. We can have them any time. They're always asking to come over, to get in the sack with one of us. Besides them, there's a whole bunch more you haven't met who used to work for me, over the years. Remember, I've had this school for many years. I really just don't have time for Noodles or Hiromi any more. I'm too busy for them, but I'll still give them a job. They don't have any illusions about me any more. They know I've got all kinds of broads, but they discretely keep their mouths shut. Also, they could make a lot more money working somewhere else. I think the reason they still keep coming to work for me is that they are hoping against hope that either I or my son will take them up again. By the way, you are welcome to try them myself. Hiromi's not bad looking. One of my friends, Johnny, even got her not long ago. If you want her, dozo, be my guest! You probably won't have a whole lot of trouble.

SAM
But that brings me around to my original question. Where do you get your money from? Remember, you can't easily fool me. I have experience as a stock market analyst on Wall Street. I can also do simple arithmetic. There is no way that you could possibly make enough money from your English language school to support your lifestyle. I suspect that you don't make any profit at all. You are probably in the red. Yet, you keep taking broads to places like this every day. Therefore, you must be getting substantial quantities of money from someplace else.

MARIO
Sam, you've got me. Yes, I do have a place where I get my money from, and lots of it, although it's beginning to dry up.

SAM
What is it?

MARIO
It's called rare coins. Antique coins.

SAM
Coins? I never saw you deal in coins. And there's a million coin dealers. They're not getting rich. What do you mean?

MARIO
Sure. There's a million coin dealers, but they don't got what I've got.

SAM
What could you possibly have that's so special?

MARIO
Sam, I don't know why, but I've taken a special liking to you. So, I'll tell you the whole story. But there's not more than one or two guys I've ever told this story to. My son knows, of course. But you'll have to promise not to tell anybody.

SAM
Okay. I promise. I'll never breathe a word to anybody.

MARIO
Okay. It's like this. I first came to Japan in 1946 but, later on, I spent altogether about ten years in Indonesia. I happened to find this obscure museum in Indonesia which hardly nobody knew about. I met the curator. Got to know him. Became his friend. He had a lot of coins on display. But one day he told me that he had a secret vault with other coins in them, very special coins which nobody else could see.

Now, you may not appreciate this, but I happen to be an expert in rare coins as well as in rare guns. Indonesia, as you may happen to know, was for many years a Dutch colony. The Dutch traders came there for centuries and naturally they brought their coins from all over Europe, all kinds of coins.

I finally got my curator friend to open his secret vault. What I found there was coins that nobody else in the world had. Some of these coins had not survived at all in Europe. As far as anyone knew, all these coins had long ago been melted down to make other coins, hundreds of years ago. But an example of these coins did exist and only I knew where they were. They were in this small museum in Indonesia.

Now, the only man who knew and understood what these coins were was the curator of that museum, but he was already an old man. And, even he did not know how much they were worth. He knew they were valuable, but he had no idea how valuable. After all, they were not listed in any coin catalog, because nobody thought they existed any more.

SAM
So, what did you do?

MARIO
To make a long story short, I bribed him. One by one, the curator loaned me the coins. I would make a mold and then a counterfeit duplicate of each coin. Only an expert would be able to tell my counterfeit from the real thing. Then, I would have him put the counterfeit back in the vault, and I would keep the real coin.

The next problem was, I had to sell it. I obviously couldn't advertise in the coin magazines, but I was in touch with other people who knew coins. I would bring the real coin to Japan and sell it here to a very private buyer. That buyer would also know that it was of vital importance that these coins never be published in a magazine.

I mined this resource for years and years. It was important to let these coins out slowly, not all at once, to keep the value up. Later on, I became afraid things were getting hot, so I left Indonesia and moved back here. From then on, I would send the curator an air ticket. I would fly him to Japan, take him out on the town, get him a broad if he wanted one and so on. I would also give him a few thousand dollars to take back with him, which was a lot of money for him. And he always brought me some coins.

Finally, I had taken almost everything of value out of that museum. At about the same time, he started to up the ante. It must have begun to dawn on him that I was selling these coins for a lot more than I was giving him. The last time he came here, he really demanded a lot of money and the coins he brought were not very good. He even threatened to expose the whole thing if I didn't give him a lot of money, although I knew he couldn't do that, as he would be in more trouble than me. So I told him, I'm sorry. I'm broke now. I can't help you at this time. I actually felt sorry for him though. He went back to Indonesia empty handed, and he died shortly thereafter. And when he died, his secret died with him, except that now you know it, Sam.

SAM
My lips are sealed, but how much did you make off this scam.

MARIO
It's hard to say. I still have some of those coins. I keep dribbling them out. Also, the yen keeps going up and down. It's hard to translate the amount into dollars. But anyway, my profit was easily more than one million dollars.

SAM
One million dollars is still not enough to support your lifestyle for very long.

MARIO
Yes, but in spite of what you see here, I'm actually very frugal. Take the cooperative apartment I live in. With the coins I brought from Indonesia I bought it for only $600,000, peanuts, in other words. Right after I bought it, the value plummeted in price. But I hung onto it and it's worth a lot more now. Also, I'm retired from the military. I get a check. I buy my groceries at the PX at rock bottom prices. I really have no living expenses, except for my broads. So if I blow 30 or 40 thousand yen taking a couple of broads to dinner, it's no big deal. I can afford it. And it is well worth the investment when I get their virginity later on. I must confess though, that my finances are declining. I've sold almost all of the coins from Indonesia now. I still have some other coins, but I'm saving them for a rainy day. But something's got to give soon. I'm at the end of my rope. If I don't win a big contract to teach English to the entire staff of a major corporation, I'll either have to sell my cooperative apartment or my office or the rest of my coins. I can't keep everything.

SAM
What about just toning down your lifestyle?

MARIO
That's the one thing that I'll never get up.

Now Mario becomes extremely agitated, and pounds his fist on the table.

MARIO
I'll never give up these broads. I'll never give that up. They can take my office. They can take my apartment. They can take my coins. They can take the shirt off my back. They can take everything else I've got. But I'll never, ever let them take my broads. (pounding his fist). These broads, that's the most important thing in a man's life. What's a man to live for, if he doesn't have his broads.

(The camera takes a wide angle shot of Mario pounding his fist, while a Japanese woman sits on each side of him.)

All this time, Tomoko and her friend have been sitting quietly, having hardly said a word all evening. Meanwhile, they have been pouring the drinks and doing all the little things Japanese women are supposed to do in such situations. Sam doesn't even know if Tomoko can speak English yet.

Mario signs for the bill. The four of them leave. They get in his car. He drives them to the park near the Royal Palace.

EXT. THE PUBLIC PARK NEAR THE ROYAL PALACE AT NIGHT

The four of them walk through the park. Mario and his companion lead the way. Sam and Tomoko follow.

MARIO
Now, listen carefully and do exactly what I say. Now it's time to grab her mitt.

(Remember that in such situations Mario uses slang words like "mitt" since the lady involved will likely understand the word "hand.")

Mario takes the hand of his companion while almost simultaneously Sam takes the hand of Tomoko. There is no resistance.

MARIO (staring straight ahead while walking thought the garden, although talking to Sam)
Do you have the mitt?

SAM
Affirmative.

MARIO
Now, the important thing is, you've established physical contact. You've broken the ice. This will lead to something later on.

SAM
I'm glad you told me that, because I don't feel comfortable doing this. It isn't my style to move this quickly.

MARIO
Don't worry. I know what I'm doing.

They continue to walk for about ten minutes. They then go back to Mario's car. As before, Sam and Tomoko get in the back seat while Mario and his companion get in the front.

Mario drives Tomoko and her companion to the Shinagawa train station. All get out. Tomoko and her friend already have passes so they don't need to buy train tickets. They wave good-bye and go past the ticket taker. Mario and Sam get back in the car. Mario starts driving Sam back to the office.

SAM
I don't mean to complain, of course, but I somehow thought we were going to get laid. The evening ended rather quickly.

MARIO (smiling)
This is Japan. You never lay a broad on their first date here. You never even try. Absolutely not. Right now, as far as those two broads are concerned, they think that we are a couple of very respectable businessmen. They're sitting on the train right now, trying to figure out why we took them out and spent so much money on them. They don't have the slightest idea that what we're really after is their twats. They can't even imagine that and, by the way, it's guaranteed, now, both of them are virgins, 100 per cent.

Mario lets Sam off near his office.

INT. MARIO'S OFFICE

Sam enters the office. Almost as soon as he gets in the door, the telephone rings. Sam answers. It's Mario Junior.

MARIO JUNIOR
Just checking to see how it went. You've been out for a while. I've been calling. How'd it go with Tomoko.

SAM
Tomoko was very nice. She was very nice looking. I was surprised, actually. She was much better than the one your father had.

MARIO JUNIOR
That's no surprise. My father doesn't really go for beautiful broads. He figures they're trouble. He'd rather have an ugly one. What he wants is a broad who is "innocent". She can be as ugly as sin, as long as he thinks she's innocent. He also figures that an ugly broad will be more thankful that he's taking her out and will give it up easier. Anyway, how'd the date itself go?

SAM
I really can't evaluate it at all. This was my first date with a Japanese girl. Your father did all the talking. He never stopped. The broads said almost nothing.

MARIO JUNIOR
Par for the course. He always does that.

SAM
We went to a fancy place in Ginza.

MARIO JUNIOR
I know the place. He always takes broads there, especially for the first date.

SAM
The girls said nothing.

MARIO JUNIOR
Right. Sure.

SAM
Then he took us to a park near the Royal Palace Gardens. We walked around for about fifteen minutes. Each of us held our respective broad's hand, and that was all. Then we took them to the train station.

MARIO JUNIOR
He what!! He held the broad's hand? That's it. He's done it again!

SAM
Yea. Shouldn't we have gone further.

MARIO JUNIOR
No! Of course not. You're not supposed to hold the broad's hand. Especially not on a first date. You're not supposed to touch her at all. There's something wrong with my father. He's losing it. He should know better than that. I've had arguments with him about this a million times. He comes on too fast with these broads. It turns 'em off. He loses a lot of broads like that. Me, I never lose one, hardly ever, anyway. It's so stupid. He holds the broads hand. What a dumb thing to do.

SAM
But, how can you ever lay the broad if you don't even hold her hand first?

MARIO JUNIOR
Look. You've gotta understand that these Japanese broads are different from the broads you're used to in America. For example, Japanese broads don't kiss. Once in a blue moon you'll find a broad who wants to kiss. But, in general, it's a safe bet that you'll never kiss the girl.

SAM
How can you get laid if you don't kiss the girl first?

MARIO JUNIOR
I'll tell you what. I'll make it into a quiz. What's the first thing you do with a Japanese broad, before you do anything else, before you kiss, before you hold her hand, before you do anything else, but when you're ready to pass the talking stage? What do you do first?

SAM
I give up. What's the answer?

MARIO JUNIOR
You fuck her.

SAM
Really? I can't believe this. How can you fuck a girl before you've kissed her, before you've put your arm around her, or anything?

MARIO JUNIOR
No problem. I do it all the time.

SAM
Incidentally, I've heard that Japanese girls give all sorts of blow jobs.

MARIO JUNIOR
It's true. They do. They'll suck your dick, if you want. Just about all of them will do that, 100 per cent. But they still won't kiss you on the lips.

I still can't get over the stupid things my father keeps doing. Me, I never hold hands on the first date, or even on the second. I treat my broads with decency and respect. I bring her to my place and cook her a nice dinner myself. I treat her like a proper lady, until the time arrives to fuck her, of course. And I always get 'em, at least 99 per cent. My father's score rate is way down to less than 75 per cent these days.

Anyway, look, I've got somebody scheduled to arrive here in just a few minutes. I've got to go. Just keep it up, and I'm sure you'll eventually get Tomoko. I'm glad you liked her. Good luck.

Mario Junior hangs up.

INT. MARIO'S OFFICE THE NEXT DAY

MARIO
Okay. Now you've had your first official date. I'm going to introduce you to some of my concubines. The first and most important thing you need to know is that every broad has a code name. We never use the broad's real name in this office. Remember that every broad who works in this office is listening to every word we say. If we mention the name of a certain broad, their ears will perk us. So we mention only the code name. If we find out that they know what the code name is, we have to change the name.

Now, my two main broads these days are Atsuko, but we call her Norton, and Miss Pine Village. Her name is obvious to any Japanese because the first kanji, or Japanese character, to write her name means "Pine" and the second means "Village". Still, they haven't figured it out around here. CPO you know. Her real name is Hiromi. Then there is "the one on the left" and "the one on my Right". There's a story about that. My son and I met them both at the same time. We took them out together. When we were sitting together for the first time, the one who was sitting on my left because the one on the left. We've called her that ever since. The same way for the one on my right. Needless to say, we've both laid both of them many times ever since. The one on my right hasn't been around lately, but the one on the left comes here all the time. In fact, her daughter has become Naomi's best friend.

SAM
She has a daughter?

MARIO
Yea. Actually, both of them are married. I usually don't fool around with married women, but I make an exception in their cases. My friend, Johnny, only goes with married women. He figures they're less trouble. All they want is a good fuck. Give them that, and they go back to their husband a happy woman. Also, they'll never complain that you have other girlfriends.

SAM
They don't care about their husbands?

MARIO
Sure they care about their husbands. They are happily married. They will never get a divorce. Of course, they figure their husbands are cheating on them anyway, so they might as well cheat back. Almost all of the men in this country have girls in the clubs or somewhere. The loyal wife has to pretend that she doesn't know about it, even if she really does.

After that, there's too many broads to mention. There's "Fifty Storms" who, like Pine Village, has a code name based upon the Japanese characters in her real name. Every time we get involved with a new broad, we have to come up with a new name for her. Of course, you already know the "BC" and "the nasty old bitch" and "that scum" who is my ex-wife, of course. There's lots of others.

Incidentally, these broads in the office do the same thing. They also have code names for us. We're always trying to figure out what our name is. My son and I listen to them, just like they listen to us. By now, they probably have a name for you too, although we don't know what it is.

INT. MARIO'S OFFICE AT NIGHT.

Sam is outside. Turns the key to the door and walks is. He takes his coat off, sits down. Moments later, Mario walks in with a woman. She bows her head down, covers her face. Mario barks at Sam.

MARIO
Get out of here. You're not supposed to be here. I just called five minutes ago and there was no answer. What's going on?

SAM
I'm sorry. I just got here myself.

Sam puts his coat back on and quickly leaves.

Two hours later, Sam comes back to the office. The office is empty. The telephone rings. It's Mario.

MARIO
What's the matter with you! Why didn't you answer the telephone when I called before.

SAM
I swear to God, I'd just walked in the door myself. It was just a coincidence you came right after me. Who was that broad with you, anyway.

MARIO
That was Miss Pine Village, and boy was she P.O'd. She almost walked out and wouldn't give me a lay. But I finally got her calmed down and laid her. Anyway, I'll talk to you later.

Mario hangs up.

The telephone rings again. This time it's Tony, the man who originally introduced Sam to Mario.

TONY
I imagine you've got pretty well settled down there. But I'd like to help you out. You don't have to work for Mario. He's a real slime, and I'm sure you know it by now. Of course, he'll introduce you to a lot of broads. He's got more than the can handle himself. But, remember, there's no such thing as a free lunch. You'll have to pay it back in the long run.

If you want, I'll give you a better job. I'll introduce you to Bill Dorsey. He can get you in the movies. Make big bucks.

SAM
Sounds good. I'm not getting ahead here.

TONY
Bill's my casting agent. I'll introduce you to him, sign you up with him. There's no obligation. One difference between me and Mario: I don't care for broads. I have a wife who loves me very much, and we have a little baby boy. Would you like to meet them? I'll take you to my house. I meet broads all the time, usually in the train station. I talk to them, but I never touch them, never. I get their telephone numbers and give the numbers to Mario. That's why Mario likes me so much. That's why he keeps me around. I give him numbers of broads, every time I see him. Any way, would you like to go to my house tomorrow? You can spend the night there and I'll bring you back in the morning.

SAM
Okay. I accept.

TONY
Good. I'll meet you tomorrow at 6:00 PM at Akasaka Mitsuke Station. I must warn you, I live in a small village, more than two hours by train from Tokyo. That's why you'll need to spend the night there.

SAM
That's fine. I'm not doing much here anyway.

EXT. AKASAKA MITSUKE STATION DAYTIME

Sam meets Tony inside the station.

TONY
Now we have to go to Tokyo station and change trains there.

Sam and Tony get on the subway. Go to Tokyo Station.

EXT. TOKYO STATION DAYTIME

TONY
Now, we're going to get you a ticket to go to my place. A regular ticket costs a lot of money. so I'll have to get you a special ticket.

SAM
How's that?

TONY
I'll show you.

Tony walks around Tokyo Station looking in trash cans and picking up discarded tickets on the floor.

TONY
This one's no good, nor this one, nor this one. Come on. You've got to help. I'll show you what to look for. Start picking up tickets. After all, you're the one whose ticket we're looking for.

Sam feels embarrassed, but dutifully starts picking up tickets from the floor of the station, while thousands of rushing passengers go past him on all sides on the way to catch their trains.

TONY
I've found your ticket! Now we're on the way.

Tony proudly hands the ticket to Sam. The reason for this is that other passengers also try to cheat the JNR. Somebody must have gotten on at a local station near Tony's house, purchased the minimum ticket, and then discarded it on the floor in Tokyo station, using a pass to get out of the station. Now, Sam is able to use that same ticket to get back to the original proper destination.

On the way to the train platform, Tony spots an attractive woman, about 23, and approaches her.

TONY
Oh. You're so beautiful.

Tony then says a few words to her in Japanese. She seems interested.

TONY
Would you like to meet my friend, Sam. He's a very nice guy. He's from America. I have a wife, but Sam is still looking.

The woman nods her head.

TONY
Good. Give me your telephone number, and I'll have him call you.

Tony hands a pen and paper to the woman. The woman writes down a number on the piece of paper and hands it to Tony. Tony gives the paper to Sam. The woman leaves.

TONY
See how easy it is?

SAM
Amazing! Do you really think that this is a proper number.

TONY
I'd bet on it. But there's only one way for you to find out. Try it. I get numbers like this for Mario all the time, and he scores on these numbers too!

EXT. INSIDE THE TRAIN ON THE WAY TO TONY'S HOUSE

A woman on the train is carrying a newborn baby. Without warning, Tony approaches the woman and takes the baby out of her arms.

TONY (ogling the baby which he is now holding)
My what a cute baby!

Tony hands the baby back to the lady, who is obviously startled, but says nothing.

After two changes of train, they arrive at Tony's station. As they exit the station, Sam gives up his ticket to the ticket taker. The ticket taker accepts it. There is apparently nothing wrong with the ticket, which Tony had picked up off the floor of Tokyo Station.

EXT. OUTSIDE THE STATION IN TONY'S VILLAGE

TONY
It's too far to walk. I'll ride a bicycle.

About a hundred bicycles are lined up outside the station. Tony picks out a girl's bicycle, gets on it and starts riding slowly, as Sam walks along side him. After a while, Tony speaks.

TONY
I'll have to ditch the bicycle here. I can't leave it too close to my house.

Tony gets off the bicycle and leans it next to a bush. Tony and Sam walk to Tony's house.

INT. TONY'S HOUSE DAYTIME

Sam and Tony enter Tony's house, where Sam meets Tony's wife and infant son. Tony's wife is in her mid to late twenties and wears a kimono. Not a fancy dress kimono but a regular around the house kimono.

The next morning, Sam and Tony rise to leave. In the night, Tony's wife has washed and ironed all of Sam's clothing, which was badly needed. Tony and Sam walk to the train station. Tony doesn't take a bicycle this time. They catch the train.

EXT. ON THE TRAIN

TONY
Now, I'll take you to see Bill Dorsey, as I promised you, to get you a job. His office is in Yoyogi.

INT. BILL DORSEY'S OFFICE IN YOYOGI DAYTIME

BILL DORSEY is a paunchy black American man about 35. He came to Japan in the military during the Viet Nam War and, like so many others, decided to settle here and never went back. He is now married with a Japanese wife and children. Bill runs a modest office. His primary business is to provide foreigners as extras for Japanese movies and television.

TONY
This is my friend, Sam. He'd like to get into the movies.

BILL
Sam, what is your job in America.

SAM
Oh. I used to work in the stock market on Wall Street.

BILL
I'll note it down, but we don't have much call for that line of work. What other jobs have you ever done?

SAM
I can tell you that I have never been in the movies, if that's what you want to know.

BILL
That's not the reason for my question. Here is Japan, when they ask for an extra, they want somebody who has done the same job in America, as the part he is going to play here. So, if they want an extra who plays a stock broker on Wall Street, I'll send you. But that's pretty limited, so think of something else that you have done.

SAM
The main other thing is that I am a games player. I'm a chess master and I play any sort of strategic game. I even made a living as a poker hustler for a while.

BILL
Okay. I'll see what I can do. Fill out this card with your name and address and I'll put you in the file.

Sam quickly fills out the card and hands it to Bill. Bill calls one of his employees, hands her the card and tells her in Japanese to put it in the file of extras. (Bill, of course, is a fluent speaker of Japanese).

SAM
By the way, I hope you don't mind if I ask, but how did you get in this line of work.

BILL
By accident. Several years ago I had a friend who worked for a movie studio. One day he called me and told me his studio needed an American to be an extra in a movie. I asked one of my friends and sent him over. A few days later he called again and asked me for another one, so I sent another friend. Then another studio heard about this and they called me too. Pretty soon, my phone was ringing of the hook, so I figured I might as well go in business. That was ten years ago, and business is better than ever.

SAM
Do you ever get in the movies yourself?

BILL
Yea. But they always give me the role of a rapist or a killer. Sometimes I both rape and kill. Sometimes I rape first and then I kill. Other times I kill first, and then I rape. That's how they have me typecast in Japanese movies.

SAM
Okay, if they ever want to cast me as a rapist, I'm ready. Besides, I need to work on my technique.

BILL
I'll make a note.

Sam and Tony leave Bill's office.

INT. MARIO'S OFFICE DAYTIME

Sam is sitting at his desk. The telephone rings. Noodles answers, tells Sam (in broken English) that the call is for him. Sam picks up the telephone.

BILL DORSEY (on telephone)
Hello, Sam, this is Bill Dorsey. I've got a job for you.

SAM
Great. I'm broke. What's the job?

BILL
You play a US immigration inspector at a Japanese internment camp in Arizona during World War II. All you have to do is wear a suit and tie and look stern. You're supposed to be looking for enemy collaborators.

SAM
Fine. Where do I go.

BILL
Be at the NHK Studio at 8:00 AM tomorrow, fourth floor, studio 16. Don't be late.

SAM
Fine. I'll be there.

INT. THE NHK STUDIO

Sam goes to the NHK Studio and appears in an extremely brief non-speaking role in a Japanese movie

INT. LOBBY OF THE BANK OF AMERICA IN TOKYO

Sam greets Rogers.

ROGERS
I'm glad you could meet here. Are you busy? If not, let's go downstairs and have lunch.

Sam and Rogers go downstairs. Eat in the same restaurant where Sam previously ate with Rogers and Tony.

INT. A JAPANESE RESTAURANT DAYTIME

ROGERS
How have you been doing.

SAM
I'm surviving, but just barely. I have some movie extra jobs and some English teaching jobs. But I still don't have any money in my pocket. I barely meet expenses, even though I'm still sleeping on Mario's floor. Tokyo is really expensive.

ROGERS
Yea. I've been thinking about things and I'm really sorry I introduced you to those creeps. I'd like to see your talents put to better use. I know you're an expert at games. Why don't you learn to play go?

SAM
Actually, I know how to play go a little bit. I was ten-kyu in Berkeley. But go is a complicated game, and a different sort of game than I'm used to. I don't think I have much talent for it, compared to chess for example.

ROGERS
I have an idea. We have another game here in Japan. It's called shogi. It's similar to chess. It has a king, a bishop, a rook and pawns, but no queen. The pieces are written in Japanese characters. What do you think about that?

SAM
I'd be willing to try. The problem is, I'm barely surviving now. When will I have time for it?

ROGERS
I'm going back to my office now. Why don't you came and spend the night at my office and I'll teach you?

SAM
Okay.

Sam and Rogers leave the restaurant and catch the Tokaido Line back to his town.

INT. ROGERS' OFFICE NIGHT

Rogers gets out a shogi book, shogi board and shogi pieces, and hands them to Sam

ROGERS
Actually, I'm no expert at this game, but here's a book. This book will explain everything. I'll come back tomorrow morning and see if you've made progress.

Sam opens the shogi board, spills the pieces on it and starts reading the book. Rogers leaves the office.

INT. ROGERS' OFFICE THE NEXT MORNING

Sam is still sitting at the shogi board where Rogers left him. Rogers opened the office in the morning. Sam is bleary eyed.

ROGERS
Surprised to see you up so early.

SAM
I'm not up early. I haven't gone to sleep yet. I spent all night reading the book.

ROGERS
Do you think you can play shogi now?

SAM
Like you say, it's similar to chess. I can get good at this game.

ROGERS
Excellent. Now if you study this game hard and consistently, within two years you can make shodan, which, in English, is the equivalent of black belt!

SAM
Two years. That's ridiculous?

ROGERS
No. I believe you have the talent, and I think you can make shodan within two years. You can do it, Sam!

SAM
You don't understand. If the first place, I don't have two years of my life to devote to this or any game. Second, I don't need two years. I can make shodan within a month.

ROGERS
Sam, I like your attitude and I wish you the best, but you can't make shodan within a month. It's impossible. Nobody has ever done it.

SAM
Look, I've read the book. I understand this game. I can do it. I could never make shodan in a month at go, but at this game, I can do it.

ROGERS
Sorry, Sam, but it just can't be done. Even your friend Bobby Fischer couldn't do it. The game is simply too complicated to be learned that quickly.

SAM
The complications should help. In a more complicated game, the man with the superior brain power should win more easily. Don't worry. I can make shodan in a month.

ROGERS
Sam, you can't do it. You think that you can roll over these Japs so easily. I'm telling you, it's impossible.

SAM
And I'm telling you, I can do it. But the problem is, I don't have time to be playing games. I can't make a decent living. I'm still starving in Japan

ROGERS
I'll tell you what I'll do. If you are able to make shodan within a month, starting from today, I'll give you one million yen.

SAM
I'd be willing to make that bet, but I don't have any money. I won't be able to pay you if I lose.

ROGERS
This isn't a bet. I'll pay you the money outright. If you don't make it, you'll lose nothing. But no tricks. In order to get the million, you have to win a real shodan diploma, that's called a "menjo", in a real shodan promotion tournament in Japan, against Japanese opponents. Furthermore, you must be awarded that menjo by the Nihon Shogi Renmei, the Japan National Shogi Association. If you don't qualify for the official diploma within one month from today, you don't get the one million yen.

SAM
It's a deal. How do I start.

ROGERS
I'll take you to the Shogi Renmei today. It's in Sendagaya. I'll introduce you to Mr. Onogi.

EXT. SENDAGAYA STATION DAYTIME

Rogers and Sam walk from Sendagaya Station to the nearby headquarters of the Nihon Shogi Renmei.

INT. FOURTH FLOOR OF THE NIHON SHOGI RENMEI DAYTIME

Rogers introduces Sam to MR. ONOGI.

ROGERS (speaking in Japanese)
Allow me to introduce you to Sam-san. He is a chess player and a personal friend of Bobby Fischer, the famous chess player. Sam has decided to take up shogi in a serious way. However, he needs a free pass so he can come here every day.

ONOGI
A very unusual request. For this I must consult our leader, Mr. Oyama.

Onogi leaves but comes back shortly.

ONOGI
I spoke to Mr. Oyama on telephone. He says that in view of what you say and your recommendation, he grants this special request. I will give you a six month's pass to play, but only for you, not for another man.

ROGERS (in Japanese)
Thank you very much.

ROGERS (to Sam)
See what a little influence can do around here. I don't think they have ever done this before for any Gaijin.

Rogers takes Sam downstairs to the lobby of the Shogi Renmei. Rogers speaks in Japanese to the sales lady and buys for Sam a shogi board, shogi pieces, and several shogi books.

ROGERS
Some of these books are in Japanese, but you should be able to learn to read from the diagrams after a while.

INT. MARIO'S OFFICE DAYTIME

Sam enters the office with his shogi books, board and pieces. Greets Mario Junior.

MARIO JUNIOR
How's it going, Sam.

SAM
I made a bet. I said I can become a shogi shodan in a month. So, I got this shogi set and these shogi books and I'm going to study shogi.

MARIO JUNIOR
You'll never win that bet. Shogi's a hard game. I could never play it myself. But go ahead and try. Just don't let it interfere with your work.

Sam goes in the back room (the room with the arm chair which pulls out into a bed). Sets up the shogi set and starts reading the book.

INT. THE PLAYING ROOM ON THE SECOND FLOOR OF THE SHOGI RENMEI, SATURDAY MORNING

There are between 50 and 100 players of all ages playing shogi. An attractive girl is taking entries. Sam approaches the desk and shows his pass. The director at the desk reads the pass, expresses surprise, and then speaks.

SHOGI DIRECTOR
Nan dan deska? ("What is your dan?" in Japanese)

SAM
Sorry. No speak Japanese

The director calls some of his colleagues. They have an excited discussion. Finally, one of them who can speak a little English speaks.

SHOGI OFFICIAL
Sam-san. We start you at 7 kyu. If you win first game, we change to 6-kyu. If you lose first game we change to 8-kyu. After every game we change again. So?

SAM
Okay. Fine.

SHOGI OFFICIAL
So. Here is your first opponent.

The official introduces Sam to a little boy, about five years old. He gives both Sam and the little boy a slip of paper which shows that they are paired against each other. The official directs them to a board.

Sam and the little boy sit across from each other. The little boy goes through a ritual for beginning a game. Sam imitates the little boy. The boy takes three shogi pieces in his hand shakes them up and drops them on the board. (This is the equivalent of tossing a coin for drawing for colors.) The boy looks at the result and realizes that he has the gained first move. They set up the pieces. The little boy makes the first move. Sam responds. They play the game. The little boy wins easily.

Sam's next opponent is a slightly older boy aged 6 or 7. Sam loses again.

Sam's next opponent is an even older boy, aged 10. Sam loses again.

Sam's next opponent is a teenage boy, age about 19, who is ranked 10-kyu. This time, Sam wins. When the boy resigns, he bows Japanese style. He gives Sam the slip of paper showing that he has won. Sam takes the paper to the director.

SAM
I finally won a game of shogi. My first official victory!

The director pairs Sam against another teenage boy. Sam wins again. The boy bows in resignation. Gives Sam the paper. Sam takes the paper back. Gets another opponent. Sam wins again. Now, Sam is back up to 7-kyu where he started. Sam continues to play all day, winning some, losing some. Sam finishes the day at 7-kyu. At the conclusion of the day's play, the director tells Sam that from now on the must win five games without a loss in order to go up one rank.

The next day Sam comes again, plays more shogi. Sam comes every day. His game is always the last to finish at night. The director tells Sam that it's closing time and he has to leave.

DIRECTOR
Sam-san. So sorry, but it's closing time. You must leave.

Sam gets up to leave. On the way out the door, another player approaches him.

PLAYER
I will take you to another place to play. They stay open until midnight.

Sam and his new acquaintance leave the Nihon Shogi Renmei and take the train to Shinjuku. They enter the Shinjuku Shogi Center on Yasakuni Dori, near Kabuki-cho.

INT. SHINJUKU SHOGI CENTER

There is a larger group of about 200 men. No children are here. They drink saki and talk loudly while playing. Sam plays a few games. Sam is now up to 2-kyu and his opponents are no longer little boys.

INT. MARIO'S OFFICE

Mario speaks to Sam.

MARIO
I'm going to have a party in my apartment in the Sanbancho Mansion. I'm a member of a group. Each month, the party rotates. This month, it's my turn to host the party. I want you to be there. There's going to be lots of broads.

INT. MARIO'S COOPERATIVE APARTMENT IN THE SANBANCHO MANSION

There is a large gathering in Mario's apartment. Sam is talking with a drink in his hand. Mario approaches.

MARIO
I need to talk to you for a moment.

Mario pulls Sam aside.

MARIO
What's the matter with you. Look at all these broads here. Your are supposed to be taking telephone numbers. That's why I brought you here. Get a pen and start asking these broads for their numbers!

Sam dutifully approaches one girl after another and asks each one for her telephone number. All the girls agree to give their number. One of them is a very short girl with a Mississippi accent. Her name is YOKO. She is 19.

Mario approaches Sam.

MARIO
Check on the BC and Naomi. Make sure everything is Okay.

SAM
I didn't know they were here. Where are they?

MARIO (pointing to a door)
In there. In the bedroom.

The party is dark, but, when Sam enters the bedroom, it is fully lit. Hario, Naomi and five-month-old Kenji are sitting around waiting.

SAM
Mario sent me to see if everything is okay.

NAOMI
Fine. No problem. When's everybody going to leave?

SAM
Soon, I imagine. I think the party's almost over. Why are you sitting in here? Why not come out and join the party. I didn't even know you were here.

NAOMI
We don't go for this sort of thing. We're just waiting for everybody to leave so that we can have our home back.

Sam leaves the room. Rejoins the party.

INT. MARIO'S OFFICE AT NIGHT

Sam is alone, dials a telephone number.

VOICE
Moshi. Moshi

SAM
Is Yoko home?

VOICE
Choto Mate Kudasai. ("One moment please", in Japanese.)

There is a pause

YOKO
Moshi. Moshi

SAM
Is this Yoko?

YOKO
Yes. Who is this?

SAM
My name is Sam. I met you at Mario's party last night. You gave me your telephone number. Do you remember me?

YOKO
Yes. Of course, I remember you.

SAM
I wanted to ask you. You speak English very well, the best of any person I have met in Japan. I was wondering who taught you.

YOKO
I was a foreign exchange student for two years in America. That's how I know English.

SAM
I guess you were in Mississippi.

YOKO
How did you know?

SAM
Every American will know. You have a Mississippi accent.

YOKO
Really? I didn't know that. And you're right. I was a foreign exchange student in Mississippi. I graduated from high school there.

SAM
So, you must be going to college here.

YOKO
No, I'm not. They don't recognize my high school diploma from America here in Japan, so I have had to go back to high school here. I also have a part time job as an English translator at Yokutsuka Base.

SAM
I would like to meet you. Can you meet me?

YOKO
Where can we meet?

SAM
Anywhere.

YOKO
I don't know any place. Where are you staying?

SAM
In Aoyama Itchome. Can you meet me here?

YOKO
I have time at 5:00 PM on Saturday. That is the only time I am free. I have a part time job every other day.

SAM
Okay. Can we meet at the koban at Aoyama Itchome at 5:00 PM Saturday?

YOKO
Okay.

Sam and Yoko hang up the telephone.

EXT. THE KOBAN AT AOYAMA I-CHOME AT 5:00 PM ON SATURDAY

Sam meets Yoko.

SAM
Where would you like to go?

YOKO
I don't have any idea.

SAM
Sorry. It's very cold.

YOKO
Yes. I'm freezing.

SAM
Lets go to my office for a few minutes and then we can decide where we will go.

YOKO
Yes.

Sam and Yoko go to Mario's office.

INT. MARIO'S OFFICE

Sam pulls out the key and unlocks the door to Mario's office. Sam and Yoko enter. Sam takes Yoko to the back room which has the arm chair. There is a shogi board set up on the table, as this is where Sam studies shogi. Sam and Yoko sit on the small couch in front of the shogi board.

YOKO
This is shogi.

SAM
Yes. I know. I have been studying shogi.

YOKO
I'm very surprised. I don't know that any foreigner studies shogi.

Sam sits nervously with Yoko and tries to make small talk. Finally, Sam says:

SAM
I've warmed up now. Let's go walk around and get some coffee.

Sam and Yoko get up and leave Mario's office.

EXT. ON THE STREET DAYTIME

It is a cold winter day. (Remember that this is still Winter). Sam and Yoko look for a place to have a cup of coffee.

SAM
It's strange but in this neighborhood on weekends there's almost nothing open around here.

Sam and Yoko finally find a coffee shop. Go in for coffee. After coffee, Sam says:

INT. THE COFFEE SHOP AT SUNDOWN

SAM
I guess there is nothing to do but go back.

Sam and Yoko return to Mario's office. By now, night has fallen. They again go to the back room. Sit in front of the shogi board. Sam is very nervous. He fidgets with the shogi pieces.

YOKO (looking at her watch)
My parents will be expecting me soon. I must go home.

Yoko rises. Sam puts on his coat and takes Yoko to the train station.

INT. MARIO'S OFFICE MONDAY MORNING

MARIO
You mean to say you didn't lay the broad! You had her two times in the back room here and you didn't lay the broad. What's going on with you?

SAM
How could I do that? I just met her. I never even thought about it. The idea never crossed my mind. I don't think she's that kind of girl. Anyway, I'll have plenty of more chances. I can always see her again.

MARIO
I don't know about you, Sam.

INT. MARIO'S OFFICE THAT NIGHT

Sam calls Yoko on the telephone.

YOKO
I'm sorry. I cannot do this thing. I did a very bad thing. I cannot see you again.

SAM
Did what bad thing? You didn't do anything at all. We just talked for a while.

YOKO
I'm so sorry. I cannot see you again. (click)

INT. MARIO'S OFFICE DAYTIME

MARIO
We've got to do something about this. I have an idea. I've got this broad Norton, but her real name is Atsuko. She works for DHL. She's been hanging around me for five years. I can't get rid of her, but she'll do anything I say, so I'll fix you up with her.

EXT. SAM AND MARIO ARE IN MARIO'S CAR DRIVING AROUND TOKYO

MARIO
Okay. Here's the plan. Atsuko is waiting to meet me in the lobby of a building, but I can't see her now, because I've got another broad to meet. I'll just drop you off where she is, and you tell her that I can't come. That way, she'll give you a lay.

Mario drops off Sam in front of the building. Sam enters the lobby of the building, finds Atsuko there.

SAM
Fancy meeting you here. Let's go for coffee.

No reply.

SAM
I said let's go for coffee.

Still silence.

SAM
Look, I'm sorry to tell, you this, but Mario isn't coming. He said that he can't make it. So he sent me instead.

Still silence.

SAM
I said Mario isn't coming.

Atsuko leaves without ever saying a word.

INT. THE OFFICE IN MARIO'S ENGLISH LANGUAGE SCHOOL ONE SUNDAY AFTERNOON

Sam is sitting there alone. The telephone rings. Sam answers.

SAM
Hello.

Silence.

SAM
Hello.

Finally, a low, almost whispering, voice speaks.

ATSUKO
Sam. Do you know who this is?

SAM
No. I'm sorry. Who is this?

ATSUKO
This is Atsuko. Do you remember me?

SAM
Oh. Atsuko. Of course I remember you. I was just thinking about you the other day.

Silence.

SAM
I would like to meet you.

Silence. Finally, after a long pause, Atsuko speaks.

ATSUKO
When can you meet me?

SAM
Oh. Anytime.

ATSUKO
How about right now?

SAM
Okay.

ATSUKO
Can you meet me at the Hanzomon Station in a half hour?

SAM
Sure. Fine.

ATSUKO
Hai ("yes" while simultaneously inhaling, expressing gratitude in that certain special way that only Japanese women can do.)

Atsuko hangs up the telephone. Sam puts on his coat and leaves Mario's office.

EXT. SHIN-OCHANOMIZU STATION. AFTERNOON

Atsuko meets Sam as he comes past the ticket taker. They walk together. Hardly speaking at all. She takes him directly to her place. They take the elevator up to her three-mat room.

INT. ATSUKO'S THREE-MAT ROOM

Sam and Atsuko sit nervously on the mats to her room. There is no furniture. Only three tatami mats. A long time passes and almost nothing is said. Finally, Sam looks at his watch.

SAM
Let's go for coffee. Walk around a little bit.

Sam and Atsuko leave, take the elevator downstairs. Go to a coffee shop. Still say almost nothing. Sam rises.

SAM
I'll get the check.

Sam pays the check. Leaves with Atsuko. They go back to her three mat room. Again they sit for a long time.

SAM
(looking at his watch) It's getting late. I'd better go back.

Sam tries to rise to his feet. However, he has been sitting on the floor for a long time, Japanese style. As Sam tries to stand up, he loses his balance, falls over and lands directly on Atsuko. Atsuko topples over backwards. Lands on her back on the floor. Atsuko is now spread-eagled, with Sam directly on top of her.

ATSUKO
Okay. I'll do it.

SAM
Do what?

ATSUKO
But you must promise one thing. Don't tell Mario.

SAM
Tell Mario what? Why should I tell Mario anything?

Sam surveys the scene. Atsuko is lying on her back, spread-eagled on the floor. Her head is lying on the side. Her eyes are closed. She is completely passive. Suddenly, Sam understands.

SAM
Oh. I see.

Sam unzips Atsuko, pulls her pants off only. Sam performs cunnalingus by eating Atsuko's pussy. When Sam has got Atsuko good and juiced up, he removes the rest of her clothing. Then Sam removes all of his own clothing. He gets on her, sticks his dick in her mouth. (Remember, however, that this has to be an "R" rated movie.) Atsuko performs fellatio by giving Sam a blow job. Now, Atsuko becomes active, flips Sam on his back. Gives Sam a better blow job. Atsuko gets ready to mount Sam.

ATSUKO
Before I do this, you must promise one thing. You must promise not to tell Mario.

SAM
(nodding his head) Okay. I promise.

ATSUKO
And another thing. I want you to cum outside of me, like Mario does. I don't want baby.

Sam nods his head affirmatively. Atsuko mounts Sam. They fuck for a long time.

SAM
Now, I'm going to show you something. Hang on. This has to be done in exactly the right way.

Sam holds Atsuko by the rib cage. In a sweeping motion, rolls the two of them over so that now Sam is on the top, but his penis has never left her vagina during this operation.

SAM
Got it. You're a good learner.

From now on, they both fuck much harder. Sam hooks his arms under Atsuko's legs, brings her ankles up around his neck. Bends her over in a jackknifed position. Fucks Atsuko very hard. Sam lets go of Atsuko's legs, but she keeps her legs up anyway. Sam bangs the shit out of Atsuko. Finally, both of them are panting, gasping for breath and covered with beads of sweat. Sam falls over on the floor.

Only a few minutes later, Atsuko shakes Sam.

ATSUKO
You can't sleep here. Mario might come. You can never tell when he might drop by. All hours of the day or night. You have to go.

Sam reluctantly rises and gets dressed. Sam is ready to leave, while Atsuko sits demurely on the floor.

ATSUKO
Remember. You promised. You promised not to tell Mario.

SAM
Of course. Why should I tell Mario?

Sam leaves. Goes to the sento (Japanese public bath) to bathe.

INT. A TYPICAL PUBLIC BATH IN JAPAN

Sam enters the sento, removes his shoes. Sam fails to notice that in this particular sento, unlike almost all others, the women's side is on the right, whereas the men's side is on the left. There is a sign in Japanese, but Sam can't read this. Sam goes into the women's side by mistake. Sees a bunch of naked, mostly middle-aged Japanese women. They hardly notice. Sam corrects his mistake, goes into the men's side. Sam soaps down Japanese style, washes. Finally gets into the hot bath with a bunch of naked, Japanese men. Sam reads the thermometer. It reads 45 degrees centigrade (which is 113 degrees Fahrenheit).

INT. MARIO'S OFFICE

The telephone rings. Sam answers.

MARIO JUNIOR (on the telephone)
Sam, I'm in trouble. I have one more girl than I can handle. You've got to get over here right away.

SAM
What do you mean?

MARIO JUNIOR
Just get over here. I have too many girls. I'll explain when you get here.

Sam puts on his coat and leaves Mario's office.

Sam walks to Mario Junior's apartment in Roppongi, a twenty minute walk. Mario Junior lives in a "2KD" apartment, on a back side street, far but walking distance from Roppongi's center of night life. Obviously, this apartment is strategically located so that Mario Junior can pick up girls in Roppongi, a center of night life, and bring them to his apartment.

INT. MARIO JUNIOR'S 2KD APARTMENT

Sam knocks on the door. Mario Junior answers.

MARIO JUNIOR
Thank goodness you came!

Mario Junior lets Sam in. Two girls are seated on the floor, Japanese style. Mario Junior tells Sam to sit down, in between the two girls.

One girl is 19, the other is 20. The 19-year-old is absolutely the most beautiful girl Sam has ever seen, anywhere in Japan. The 20-year-old is plain and dull looking. You can just imagine which one Mario Junior wants to give to Sam. Mario Junior sits on the other side, so the four of them now form a circle.

SAM
Now. What's this all about?

MARIO JUNIOR
It's like this. I always tell these broads not to come here without calling first. Of course, I leave my telephone answering machine on when I have another broad here, so that they won't find each other. But this time, I'm bringing this broad home, when this other broad comes up right behind us. Turns out, she's been waiting outside of my house for me for the last several hours. So, what can I do? I have to invite both of them in. So, now I'm stuck with two broads, which, in Japan, is one broad too many. So, now, I'm going to give this broad to you, and keep this other one over here for myself.

SAM
Fine. So what's supposed to happen now?

MARIO JUNIOR
First, I'm going to tell your broad that we have to go for a walk. Of course, she'll agree. She wants to get me away from the other one, anyway. Then, when we're outside, I'll explain the situation to your broad, tell her that you'll accommodate her. Then, she'll be outside. I know she's going to bitch and complain, but I won't let her come back in here.

SAM
What about that one?

By now, the very beautiful girl has laid her head on the side of Mario Junior's bed and is fast asleep, even though she is sitting upright, Japanese style.

MARIO JUNIOR
Don't worry about her. I'm going to dick her just as soon as I can get you two guys out of here. Then I'll let her sleep for a while. But then she's going to have to be leaving here soon. I've got another broad coming by early in the morning.

SAM
But, what am I going to do with the one you're giving me. Where can I take her? It's the middle of the night. It's freezing outside. All the places are closed. I have no money anyway. The last train left long ago. The subways are closed for the night. It'll be nearly five o'clock in the morning before they open again.

MARIO JUNIOR
Exactly the point. She has no place to go. So, you'll just have to take pity on the poor girl, take her to my father's office, and fuck her there. What else can she do? There's a big armchair in the back of my father's office. It pulls out into a bed. You can fuck her there. That's what it's there for. You won't have any problem. Don't worry.

SAM
But, why call me? Why didn't you just keep her here?

MARIO JUNIOR
That's what she's asking me to do.

SAM
So, what's the problem. Let them both sleep here, and then fuck 'em both. That's what we used to do back in Berkeley.

MARIO JUNIOR
That's California style. That shit doesn't work here in Japan. These broads are too conservative here. If you want to fuck 'em, you have to fuck 'em in private. If I let them both sleep here, I won't be able to fuck either one of 'em.

Mario Junior speaks a few words to the 20-year-old in Japanese. Then Sam, Mario Junior and the 20-year-old get up and go out, leaving the other one sound asleep, still leaning against Mario Junior's bed. They three go outside.

EXT. ON THE STREET AT NIGHT

Mario Junior talks to the 20-year-old in Japanese (which, of course, he speaks fluently). She is agitated, argues vehemently. Finally, Mario Junior translates to Sam.

MARIO JUNIOR
She's saying she has the first right to me. She fucked me first, long before I ever met the other one. She says she's entitled to at least equal status. I should at least allow her to sleep there. It's the middle of the night. It's cold. She missed the last train. But I told her it isn't like that. She knows she's supposed to call me before she comes. She says she called many, many times. Of course, it's true, but I never picked up. You see how many beautiful broads I have. I just can't fit her into my schedule any more. She's all yours now.

SAM
But, what about the other one you left behind? She's sound asleep. Are you just going to wake her up and fuck her, just like that?

MARIO JUNIOR
Don't worry about me. I can handle it. I've got lots of experience. Done this many times.

Sam leaves with his newly acquired companion. Mario Junior turns and goes back to his apartment.

Sam and the 20-year-old walk to the intersection where Mario's office is. Sam motions for her to go in with him. As soon as she recognizes the place, she spurns and walks away from Sam, leaving him standing alone on the street corner in the middle of the night.

INT. MARIO'S OFFICE

The telephone rings. Sam answers. It's Mario Junior.

SAM
How'd you make out with that broad last night?

MARIO JUNIOR
Oh. Nothing. When I got back, she was sound asleep. So I rolled her over, put her up on the bed, took her clothing off and put it in her.

SAM
Was there any problem?

MARIO JUNIOR
No. It was like she didn't notice. She appeared to be dead to the world. No reaction at all.

SAM
Then what?

MARIO JUNIOR
After I finished laying her, we got under the covers. When morning came, she got dressed and left. That's all.

SAM
She didn't even notice that she'd been fucked?

MARIO JUNIOR
What can I say? That's the way it was. How'd it go with your broad? Did you lay her?

SAM
No. I didn't get anywhere. We walked from your house to the intersection at Aoyama Itchome. I put my arm around her on the way, and she made no objection. But when we got to Aoyama Itchome, I motioned for her to come in with me, but she looked shocked, turned, whirled and walked of in a huff. She also said something in Japanese, which I didn't understand. I have a feeling she knows the place. I suspect you've already laid the broad in here before. It seems like she's been here before and knew what was going to happen once she got inside.

MARIO JUNIOR
Yea. It's true. I've laid that broad in my father's place before. She's been there. But that's still a lame excuse. You could have had her. You could have laid her easy. You just have to be a little more persistent. You should have taken off after her, told her it's too cold, and finally convinced her to come in with you. I do it all the time. They always want to stage a little demonstration to establish their independence, before they finally come across and give you that good, good pussy.

SAM
I'm not sure about this one. As soon as she saw your father's place, she got out of there fast, as though I had insulted her or something.

MARIO JUNIOR
Par for the course, Sam. You're just making excuses. You always have some reason why you just couldn't lay the broad. You know what my father says about you? He says, "Sam couldn't get laid with a hundred dollar bill in a whore house."

SAM
It's not that bad. I can get laid with a hundred dollar bill in a whorehouse.

MARIO JUNIOR
We're not so sure. You know what my father said the other day? He said, "We're pretty sure Sam ain't queer, but, Jeez, he's been more than one month in Japan and still he hasn't gotten laid. There must be something wrong with him."

SAM
Well. That's not entirely true.

MARIO JUNIOR
You mean to say that you are queer?

SAM
No. The other part.

MARIO JUNIOR
What other part?

SAM
The part about that I've never gotten laid in Japan.

MARIO JUNIOR
You mean to say that you have gotten laid in Japan. Who's the broad?

SAM
I'm sorry. I can't reveal that.

MARIO JUNIOR
But I've got to know who the broad is. You have to tell me the name of the broad.

SAM
I'm sorry. This is a private matter. I can't tell you.

MARIO JUNIOR
Don't you understand. You have to tell me the name of the broad. We have to know.

SAM
Look. I've never in my life played "kiss and tell". This broad doesn't want anybody to know that I've laid her. So just leave it at that.

MARIO JUNIOR
You're not going to get away with this.

Mario Junior hangs up the telephone.

INT. MARIO'S OFFICE THE NEXT MORNING

Mario arrives early in great haste, before the regular office staff arrives.

MARIO
Sam, I've just heard something very disturbing from my son. He informs me that you've gotten yourself laid, but you won't tell us who the broad is. We've got to know. There's one rule in this office, which goes above everything else. If any one of us lays a broad, he's got to tell the others. I've told you the name of every broad I've laid lately. Now you've got to tell me the name of the broad you've laid. See.

SAM
I'm sorry. I appreciate everything you've done for me, but this I cannot do. I simply cannot tell you the name of the broad.

MARIO
Listen. You have to tell us the name of the broad. We have to know. It's them against us.

(Mario bangs his fist on the desk, as he says, "It's them against us.")

SAM
I'm sorry. I have an English lesson to give now. I have to go.

Sam gets up and leaves Mario's office.

INT. MARIO'S OFFICE AT NIGHT

Sam enters the office. The telephone rings. Sam answers.

MARIO JUNIOR
Where've you been? I've been calling for hours.

SAM
What's up.

MARIO JUNIOR
There's a job for you. You got a call from NHK Studios. You have to be there at 3:00 PM tomorrow.

SAM
Wonderful. Thank you so much. Which studio? Did you get the number?

MARIO JUNIOR
Yes, I did. I've got it written right here.

SAM
Okay. Let's have it.

MARIO JUNIOR
Sure. No problem. I'll give it to you right now. But, first, you've got to tell me the name of the broad.

SAM
What? We've been through that. I can't tell you the name of the broad.

MARIO JUNIOR
Fine. And I don't have to tell you the name of the NHK Studio either.

SAM
You can't do this. There's a hundred studios in that place. I'll never find it without the number. It's like a needle in a haystack.

MARIO JUNIOR
Right. Exactly. I know that. I've been there many times. So, if you want this job, you have to tell me the name of the broad.

SAM
This is serious. This is my job. I need this money to eat. I'm barely surviving in Tokyo as it is. I have to have this job.

MARIO JUNIOR
Right. I know it's serious. And I have to have the name of the broad. We've got to know.

Sam hangs up the telephone. Sam picks up the telephone and calls Rogers.

ROGERS
Moshi. Moshi.

SAM
Rogers. It's me. I'm in big trouble. I've got to get out of here right away.

ROGERS
What happened? Did you kill somebody?

SAM
No. Nothing like that. It's just some little inconsequential trivial dispute between me and Mario. At the same time, I have to get out of here right away.

ROGERS
What's the dispute?

SAM
It's not even worth mentioning. I'm embarrassed to say what it is, it's so minor. At the same time, I have to pack my things and get out of here. I can't stay here any longer.

ROGERS
I'm really interested to know what this trivial dispute is.

SAM
It's really hard to tell you this but, anyway, there's this girl. And you know how it goes with me and girls. Now, Mario's gone crazy. He wants to know the name of the broad, but I won't tell him. Then, NHK Studio called up with an extra acting job for me. Now, he won't tell me where the job is unless I tell him the name of the broad.

ROGERS
How did this get started?

SAM
Okay. I plugged the bitch. There was nothing wrong with it. But then I happened to mention to Mario Junior that I had been laid in Japan. He demanded to know the name of the broad, but I wouldn't tell him. Then he told his father and his father went completely crazy. They're demanding to know the name of the broad.

ROGERS
Those creeps! What do they think you are? A child?

SAM
I'm glad you agree with me. So, the NHK Studio called to give me a movie extra job, but they took the call. Now, they won't tell me where my job is unless I give up the name of the broad.

ROGERS
So, why don't you just swallow your pride and give up the name. After all, you need work to survive in Japan.

SAM
But, you see, I can't do that because this particular broad happens to be one of Mario's main concubines. If I give him the name of the real broad, he might go even more crazy. And even though he's always offering me broads and he seems very liberal about things like that, in the bottom, he's still a Ginny from Long Island and who knows what he'll do to me or to the poor girl. In addition, and very importantly, she made me promise, before she let me fuck her, that I wouldn't tell Mario. It seems like she must have known that this was going to happen.

ROGERS
Okay. So obviously, you can't give up her name. I've got another idea. Why not create a fictitious personality?

SAM
I can't do that. I don't know any Japanese girls, except for the ones Mario introduced me to. I don't even know the names of any girls.

ROGERS
Yes, you do. You know that one girl I introduced you to in my office the first day you came here. Remember Miki? I got an idea. Mario doesn't know that girl, of course. There is no way that he could ever find her. So we'll use her as a fake name. You can say that you laid her. The idea is, I'll tell you everything about her, like her age, where she goes to high school and everything like that. If Mario asks you a question about her and you don't know the answer, just call me and I'll tell you the real answer. This way, he'll never be able to catch you in a lie. Of course, the real girl I have in mind is a virgin. She'd never get involved with a guy like you. But, you can use her name as a reference point. It's a lot easier than creating a fake personality.

SAM
No. It still wouldn't work. Mario knows everything about Japanese broads, like what they say and what they do, how they react in certain situations. He knows what these girls are going to do before they do it. He'd bug the shit out of me about her every day forever and eventually he'd catch me in a lie.

ROGERS
Anyway, I agree with you. I've been sorry ever since I introduced you to those creeps. They give all us upstanding, respectable Americans a bad name. If you think that you can still catch the last train, pack your bags and get out of there. I'll leave the key to my office under the doormat.

Sam hangs up the telephone. Sam collects all his things, including his shogi board, set and books, puts them in a bag and leaves Mario's office for good.

INT. ROGERS' OFFICE MORNING

Sam is sleeping under blankets on the floor of Rogers' office. Rogers opens the office and comes in. Just then, the telephone rings. Rogers answers. It's Mario.

ROGERS
Yes. This is Rogers. ...... No. I don't know where Sam is. ... No I haven't heard anything. Yes. I'll call you if I hear from Sam.

Rogers hangs up the telephone.

ROGERS
That was Mario and he's screaming mad. I told him that I would call him back, but I'm sure that he'll be calling me back soon. What should I tell him?

SAM
Tell him anything you feel like. I can't hide forever. Just tell him the truth.

The telephone rings. Rogers answers.

ROGERS
Yes, Mario. Yes. I've heard from him. He told me the story.

Mario screams so loudly over the telephone that Sam can hear him even from a distance.

ROGERS (on telephone)
Look, Mario. Sam is not going to tell you the name of the broad. He won't even tell me the name of the broad. If I knew the name of the broad, I would tell you, but I don't even know it myself.

MARIO (screaming into telephone)
I've got to know the name of that broad. Don't you understand? I've got to know!

Rogers hangs up the telephone.

SAM
Okay. I've got to call Bill Dorsey. He might know the location of the job at NHK Studio. After all, he's my agent.

Sam calls on the telephone.

SAM (on telephone)
Bill, I have a message that I have an acting job, but my answering service neglected to write down the number of the studio. Do you know where it is?

BILL DORSEY
Sure. We've been trying to reach you. It's at a studio in Ofuna. I'll give you directions.

Sam hangs up the telephone, goes to the train station, and catches the train to Ofuna.

INT. THE STUDIO AT OFUNA WHERE A MOVIE, "SHANGHAI DANCE KING" or "SHANHAI BANSUKINGU", IS BEING FILMED, DAYTIME

SAM
I'm here as an extra.

DIRECTOR
We thought you weren't coming. We've been calling all day. Your office said they didn't know where you were. Go to the dance floor and act like you're dancing with one of the ladies there.

Sam goes to the dance floor. There he finds Tony, with his arms around a Japanese woman. They are supposed to be dancing in this movie. Sam finds a lady and starts dancing with her, to music. The dance floor is filled with couples dancing. About half of them are foreigners, American and European. This is a movie about the Japanese occupation of Shanghai before World War II.

During the shooting, Tony repeatedly tries to fondle whatever Japanese woman he is assigned to dance with. The women obviously don't want to be fondled, but they also do not want to lose their jobs, so they try their best to tolerate Tony.

Between shots, Tony speaks to Sam

TONY
I heard the big news. You finally moved out of Mario's office. He's hopping mad too, calling you all kinds of names. Where are you staying now?

SAM
In Sukifuki.

TONY
Sukifuki, huh? Very funny!

BILL DORSEY
By the way, Tony. There's something I've always wanted to know. How many times have you been married in Japan? Not the marriages before you came to Japan. Just the marriages in Japan.

Silence. Tony never answers this question.

INT. ROGERS' OFFICE DAY

Rogers and Sam are sitting there. REIMER enters the office.

ROGERS
Sam. I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Reimer.

REIMER is a burley American, about 230 pounds, with long red hair and a big red beard. He dresses like a Hell's Angle or a professional wrestler and looks like a cross between Frank Zappa and The Macho Man. Surprisingly, Reimer is also a computer expect and a very fluent speaker of Japanese. Reimer often refers to himself as "a respectable businessman."

ROGERS
Now that you're here, there's some things that I'd like you to do. Reimer is going to take you to Akihabara and show you all the computer shops. We're going to need another computer.

Sam and Reimer go to the train station, catch the train.

EXT. THE TOKAIDO LINE TO TOKYO DAY

Sam and Reimer ride the train. The train is filled with Japanese salarymen in business suits who are all reading pornographic comic books, most of which feature Japanese high school girls in high school uniforms having sex with Japanese businessmen. At the end of the train, there is one man who is not reading a comic book. He has a serious look. He wears a tattoo.

REIMER
See that guy over there with the tattoo. He's in the Yakuza. He's a Japanese gangster. I can tell by the way he dresses. I love it when I see these guys. Now, watch this.

Reimer pretends to be trying to walk through to the next car in the train. He brushes past the Yakuza man and accidentally on purpose bumps into him.

REIMER (in Japanese with English subtitles)
Get out of my way, you creep. Didn't you see me coming? You guys think you're so tough! Get out of my way!

The Yakuza is astonished and stands aside to get out of Reimer's way. He cowers in a combination of fear and shock. All of the Japanese passengers on the train are startled.

INT. ROGERS' OFFICE

Sam calls Hiromi (also known as CPO) on the telephone. She is working in Mario's office. Sam asks Hiromi for a date. Hiromi agrees immediately.

INT. A JAPANESE COFFEE SHOP

Sam meets Hiromi for their date. Nothing happens. Hiromi spends the whole time asking Sam to reveal the code names for the girls who work in the office.

INT. ROGERS' OFFICE

Sam calls Tomoko, asks her for a date. Tomoko agrees immediately. They agree to meet in front of the Kinokuniya Bookstore in Shinjuku in Tokyo.

EXT. IN FRONT OF THE KINOKUNIYA BOOKSTORE IN TOKYO DAYTIME

Sam arrives. Tomoko is waiting for him. Tomoko is very beautiful and fetching.

Unfortunately, Tomoko appears to be completely unable to communicate in English. She appears to be ready to do anything Sam wants her to do, and to go anywhere with him that he wants to go. However, Sam is unnerved because of Tomoko's inability to talk to him.

Sam takes Tomoko to the Aoyama Goban, a store in Shinjuku san-chome which sells go equipment. Mr. Aoyama is a chess player whom Sam has played previously. Now, Sam wants to use Mr. Aoyama as a translator.

The problem Sam now faces is that he doesn't have Mario or the use of his office any more. Sam has no office and no place to take Tomoko and nobody who can translate to her for him. This is the reason Sam takes Tomoko to Aoyama's shop. Aoyama speaks some English.

Aoyama welcomes Sam and invites Sam and Tomoko up to his office. There, he has coffee brought for them. However, after initial pleasantness, Aoyama seems to start criticizing Tomoko. There is a heated conversation between them (in Japanese, of course). Sam suddenly realizes that Aoyama doesn't like to see a Japanese girl dating a foreigner. Aoyama is criticizing Tomoko for going with Sam. Tomoko is defending herself. Finally, Aoyama turns to Sam.

AOYAMA
This girl doesn't want to see you. She doesn't want anything to do with you. She's leaving now. You don't go with her. You don't call her any more.

SAM
What do you mean? You're crazy.

AOYAMA
You don't go with this girl. You stay here.

TOMOKO
I have arbeit. I must go. ("arbeit" means "part time job")

Tomoko rises to leave. Sam rises also. Both leave together. Aoyama stares angrily, but says nothing further. Sam escorts Tomoko on the train to the Shinagawa train station. Tomoko waves good-bye and leaves. This is the last time that Sam ever sees Tomoko.

INT. ROGERS' OFFICE

Sam is on the telephone with Reimer.

REIMER
I know how you can get laid. As long as you can get a hard on, you can't miss.

SAM
I'm not interested in hookers.

REIMER
These are not hookers. Anyway, you couldn't afford a hooker in Japan. There are plenty of hookers in Japan, but they charge at least $250 for fifteen minutes. You couldn't afford them. Most of them refuse to go with Gaijins anyway. They say that we are too big for them.

SAM
Then, what is it?

REIMER
These are performing artists. Here in Japan, we have live sex on stage, but with audience participation. There are lots of places like that all over Japan. You go inside. There will be girls doing acts on stage. If you see one you like, you can go up and fuck her, but you have to do it on stage, in front of the audience. You can have any girl you want, as long as you can get a hard on with all those people watching.

SAM
I have difficulty believing this.

REIMER
No problem. I'll take you to see one tomorrow night. It's in Kabuki-cho in Shinjuku. It's called the TS Music. It's behind the giant mechanical crab.

EXT. KABUKI-CHO IN SHINJUKU AT NIGHT

Reimer takes Sam to the TS Music in Kabuki-cho. They each pay 1500 yen and enter the show.

INT. THE SHINJUKU TS MUSIC IN KABUKI-CHO

Sam and Reimer sit in the audience. A succession of Japanese girls get on the stage and strip. One by one, they do a strip dance. When each girl is finally naked, a Japanese businessman in the audience climbs on stage and has sex with her. This is known in Japanese as a "Namaita style" show. By the end of the evening, every Japanese salaryman in the audience has been laid, some of them two or three times. Sam and Reimer are almost the only ones who do not participate. Sam is bored and unimpressed.

INT. SHINJUKU SHOGI CENTER

It is Saturday night. Sam is playing shogi with an opponent. Sam looks at his watch and suddenly realizes that he is about to miss the last train. Sam apologizes to his opponent, runs out the door.

EXT. THE AREA OF SHINJUKU STATION AT NIGHT

Sam runs from the Shinjuku Shogi Center on Yasakuni Dori to Shinjuku Station. Sam pays his way in and runs up the stairs to the platform. When Sam arrives, the train is just pulling out of the station. Sam has missed the last train and is stuck in Shinjuku for the night.

Sam now walks around Shinjuku. Sam enters Kabuki-cho, walks around, finds the giant mechanical crab on the wall, and finds the TS Music behind it. Sam pays 1500 yen and enters the TS Music.

INT. THE TS MUSIC IN KABUKI-CHO

The usual crowd of about 100 Japanese salarymen are sitting around the stage. The stage is a "T" shape. Sometimes the girls dance and strip on the main stage. Sometimes they come out on the platform, lay down and have sex there with volunteers from the audience. This is a Namaita style show. There is a futon on the platform where the girl lays down when she has sex with a man. Stage hands come on and change these futons at appropriate times. Each act lasts 15 minutes. Often, the girl will sing or dance a little before laying down and having sex. Usually, each girl will have sexual intercourse with two men in succession in her act. If the men are quick enough, sometimes she will look at her watch and say that she has time for a third. Almost always, the girl performs fellatio on the man first, giving him a blow job. If the girls are not especially beautiful, sometimes two or even three at a time come out on stage and have sex with men. Not all of the acts involve sex with the audience. There are other performances, magic tricks and even comedy skits. There are a total of eight acts in rotation. Thus, a total of two hours will pass before the same act comes back around again.

Not all of the girls on stage are Japanese. One is a foreigner. She gets on stage. She is tall and statuesque. She has long blond hair and blue eyes. Sam can recognize her accent. She is American.

The crowd of 100 Japanese salarymen all look bored. It is late at night and some of them are sleepy. Undoubtedly, most if not all of them have been laid at least once already tonight. They slouch in their chairs, apparently uninterested.

The American girl is really quite beautiful. She struts back and forth on the platform. She does her strip tease and finally strips naked and sits down. The crowd is still bored. Nobody volunteers to come up and have sex with her.

AMERICAN GIRL
Come on you guys. What's the matter?

No response.

AMERICAN GIRL
Okay. I'm ready. Will one of you guys get up here?

Still no response.

The American girl sits down on the stage.

AMERICAN GIRL
How do think this makes me feel? Please, will somebody get up here and fuck me? I'm a person. I have feelings, too. Don't you understand? This is my job. If nobody wants to fuck me, I'll get fired. I might have to go back to America.

The American girl points to a man in the audience.

AMERICAN GIRL
How about you? Come up here.

One Japanese salaryman in the audience slowly and reluctantly gets on stage. The American girl lays him down on the futon, strips him naked, gives him a blow job and then climbs on top and has sex with him. When the sex act is finished, the man gets up and gets dressed and they both leave the stage.

Next on stage is a beautiful young Japanese girl wearing a blue high school uniform with a spotless white blouse. Her stage name is HIRATSUKA KAZUMI. She appears to be about 15 years old. She has that look of total innocence. In her act, she holds a high school baton, does a little high school dance and sings a little high school song, just as all Japanese high school girls typically do.

Sam gets bored. Sam yawns. Sam is thinking, ''This is obviously a little skit, in between the serious acts. I wonder why they let a girl this young into a place like this?"

Sam looks around the room. He notices that all the Japanese salarymen are now sitting bolt upright in their chairs. No longer is anyone looking slouched or sleepy-eyed. "What's the big deal", thinks Sam, "We see high school girls like this in the street every day."

Hiratsuka Kazumi completes her little dance and her little song. She then retreats demurely to a far corner of the stage. Suddenly, almost the entire audience (except for Sam, of course) jumps onto the stage simultaneously. There is pushing and shoving. Some men lose their balance and fall off the stage.

The men remaining on the stage now divide into groups of four or five and start playing a game of "Jon, Ken, Pone." This is a game known in America as "Scissors, Paper, Stone", i.e. the scissors cuts the paper, the paper wraps the stone and the stone breaks the scissors.

Now, all the men in their various groups say "Jon Ken Pone" almost simultaneously as they compete against each other. As the games are decided, the losers jump off the stage. Each group of four produces a winner. The winners face each other. Finally, a grand champion emerges from all the groups. All the losers jump off stage. Finally, there is only one Japanese salaryman left on the stage, plus Hiratsuka Kazumi who is still standing demurely in the corner waiting for the results of the competition.

Stage hands come on and bring a big futon plus other props. Music starts. Hiratsuka Kazumi motions for the winner to lay down on the futon. He lays down, and then she lays down next to him. She is wearing a spotless white blouse. She motions for the man just to unbutton the top button of her blouse only. He complies. She then points to the second button and he unbuttons that one as well. Slowly, following her directions, he unbuttons her entire blouse, revealing an exceptionally large breast, especially by Japanese standards. Now, Hiratsuka Kazumi undresses completely and then helps the Japanese salaryman take off all of his clothing.

Now, they are both naked. Hiratsuka Kazumi gives the salaryman a blow job. She is now facing the back of the stage, while he is facing forward. Once he has a hard on, Hiratsuka Kazumi mounts him.

However, now a surprising thing happens. The Japanese salaryman loses his hard on. Hiratsuka Kazumi gets off and tries again, but still the man can't get it up. Finally, he gets dressed and leaves the stage.

INT. ROGERS' OFFICE

Rogers enters the office. It's morning. Sam is on the floor trying to sleep.

ROGERS
Time to get up. It's late.

SAM
I haven't even gone to sleep yet. I couldn't sleep all night thinking about this girl. Look, Rogers. There's this high school girl. I've been thinking about her all week long. I can't get her out of my mind. I can hardly sleep because of her. So, I've decided. I'm going to go to Tokyo tomorrow and fuck the high school girl.

ROGERS
But what about the 20 or 30 Japanese salarymen that you will have to beat at a game of jon ken pone?

SAM
Rogers, by now you should know one thing about me, which is that I can win at games. Of course, I still can't beat my friend Bobby Fischer at chess, but that is an exceptional case. Against a bunch of average Japanese salarymen, I should be able to beat them at any game, including even jon ken pone. The only question in my mind is: Can I really get a hard on with such a large crowd watching, with the spotlights and so on?

That night Reimer calls.

SAM
Hello.

REIMER
How's it going over there?

SAM
Look. That place you sent me to, the TS Music. Turns out that there's an absolutely stunning beautiful girl there who looks like she's not more than 15 years old and she fucks on stage.

REIMER
What of it? They've girls like that all over.

SAM
Maybe so, but I've never seen one like this. Anyway, I realize that she is not exactly what you would call a virtuous woman, but she has been burning in my brain so much, that I can't help it. I've made up my mind. Tomorrow, I'm going to Tokyo to fuck her.

REIMER
How're you going to do that?

SAM
Easy. I'm going to get up on stage and fuck her. But, there's a funny thing about this girl. She's so beautiful, but nobody can get a hard on with her. All the other girls just keep fucking. The guys always get a hard on with the other girls, but they can never get a hard on with this beautiful girl. I don't know the reason. I'm worried about that.

REIMER
The last thing you should do is worry about that. Then, you won't be able to get a hard on for sure. But you have a bigger problem. What if there are some other guys who want to fuck the same girl?

SAM
That's no problem.

REIMER
But, you will have to beat them all at jon ken pone.

SAM
I'm not worried about that. If I concentrate hard and watch my opponents, I can beat them. I'm confident of that. It's just another game, and I'm good at games.

REIMER
Look, you may be good at chess and games like that, but those guys have been playing jon ken pone all their lives. They've been playing it since they were children. All Japanese people play it. That's how they resolve their disputes. In America, if we have a dispute with another guy, we punch him out or get out our Uzi and blow him away or something like that. Here in Japan, they just play jon ken pone, instead. Even if they get into a dispute over a woman, they just play jon ken pone. Whomever wins gets the girl.

SAM
Look. They may have been playing this game all their lives, but they're still just a bunch of guys with average intelligence. Do they have the shodan menjo in jon ken pone? Of course not. They're just a bunch of average guys with average intelligence. This means that I can beat them.

REIMER
Okay. If you think that you can beat about 20 Japanese salarymen at a little game of jon ken pone, just be my guest. Go right ahead!

INT. TS MUSIC IN KABUKI-CHO

Sam buys a ticket, enters the TS Music and seats himself in the audience. A girl is stripping and doing her act on stage. Sam waits through this and several other acts. Finally, Hiratsuka Kazumi comes on stage, wearing the same blue high school uniform. She sings her little song and does her little dance, exactly as before. Then, following her usual routine, she retreats to the rear of the stage.

A bunch of Japanese salarymen jump on stage, and Sam jumps on stage too. The men divide themselves into groups of four. They play jon ken pone. Sam wins the first round. Two of his opponents concede defeat and jump off stage, leaving just one. Sam defeats him. Now, Sam is the winner of his group. All the losers from the other groups jump off. Now, there are enough men left for two groups of four. Sam wins his group again. The losers jump off. Now, there is only Sam and one other contestant left on stage.

Sam and his opponent square off. They say jon ken pone. It's a tie. They say jon ken pone again. It's another tie. They say jon ken pone a third time. This time Sam wins. Sam's opponent bows in defeat and jumps off stage. Now, Sam is left alone on the stage with Hiratsuka Kazumi. This entire competition has lasted less than one or two minutes.

Now, exactly the same thing happens as before. The stage hands bring out their props. The music starts. Hiratsuka Kazumi motions for Sam to lay down and then Hiratsuka Kazumi lays down beside him. Hiratsuka Kazumi motions for him to unbutton the top button of her blouse and so on. Just as before, he undresses her and then she undresses him. Now, Hiratsuka Kazumi sucks Sam's dick a little bit and then mounts him. Hiratsuka Kazumi puts it in.

Sam is now fucking one of the most beautiful women of his life. Suddenly, Sam realizes that there is a problem. Although he is completely inside her, he barely has a hard on and he is rapidly losing what little he has left. Worse yet, the spotlight is shining directly in his eyes. Sam is losing his concentration. Sam shields his eyes. He can barely see Hiratsuka Kazumi. Now, Sam realizes what the reason is why all those other men couldn't get a hard on with Hiratsuka Kazumi. Sam is really worried now. He is afraid that he might fail. Sam is going to lose his chance if he does not do something soon.

(During this time, the camera shows a blinding light, only out of the corner of which Sam can see Hiratsuka Kazumi mounted over him.)

Sam reaches up, takes Hiratsuka Kazumi by the shoulders, and flips her over on her back. Now, Sam is on top of her, without ever coming outside of her. Hiratsuka Kazumi is astonished. Apparently, nobody has done this before. She protests mildly, looks shocked. She exclaims something in Japanese. But, what can she do?

Now, Sam is on top of Hiratsuka Kazumi. Instantly, Sam has a really strong hard on; the doubts in his mind having been erased. Sam proceeds to fuck the shit out of Hiratsuka Kazumi. Sam puts his arms under Hiratsuka Kazumi's legs and pulls her ankles up to around his neck. Since the crowd is seated behind them, they can see clearly, of course. Sam grits his teeth, as he bangs the shit out of Hiratsuka Kazumi.

Sam finishes, lets her legs down. Sam stands up to get dressed. The crowd stands up and gives a thunderous, cheering applause. Even the few Japanese salarywomen (there are a few in the audience) applause. They climb on their chairs and look. Sam gets dressed and leaves the stage.

EXT. ON THE STREET NEAR THE TS MUSIC

Sam is walking around Kabuki-cho. He looks through the glass door of a restaurant, and there he sees Hiratsuka Kazumi eating noodles with two other women. One is another girl who does sex at the same show. The other is an older obviously lesbian bull-dyke type woman.

Sam looks at his watch and thinks about approaching Hiratsuka Kazumi. Just then, an American Cadillac of the type notoriously driven by the Yakuza (Japanese gangsters) drives up to the door of the restaurant. The driver has a tattoo and looks very much like the Yakuza who was confronted by Reimer earlier in the train. (Perhaps he is the same person.) Hiratsuka Kazumi and the other two women come out of the restaurant, get in the Cadillac and the driver drives off.

INT. SHINJUKU SHOGI CENTER AT NIGHT

It's a few days later. Sam is playing shogi. His opponent is drinking saki and moving slowly.

SAM
Hurry up and move! I'm about to miss the last train.

Sam's opponent dozes off and falls half way off the chair. A man sitting next to him props him up. Sam's opponent wakes up and makes a move on the shogi board. Sam looks at the board, looks at his watch, shrugs his shoulders and keeps playing.

Sam wins the game and leaves the Shinjuku Shogi Center. He has obviously missed the last train.

EXT. KABUKI-CHO AT SATURDAY NIGHT

Sam walks around Kabuki-cho. He sees a sign in Japanese which says "All night sauna 1800 yen". Sam pays 1800 yen at the window and enters.

INT. A LARGE BUT TYPICAL JAPANESE SAUNA

Sam enters the sauna, removes his shoes, puts them in a locker, is given a key, enters, undresses, puts on a white bath robe and enters the sauna proper.

About 300 or more men are sleeping on the floor, all wearing white bath robes just like Sam is wearing. Undoubtedly, almost all of them missed the last train and are sleeping in the sauna for the night, as it is much cheaper than any hotel. Sam looks around for a place to lie down. The place is jammed packed. There is not even a spot on the corner near the door.

Sam sits in a chair, the only empty place. There is a Japanese semi-girlie magazine on a nearby table. Sam flips through the magazine. In the centerfold, there is a foldout of a naked Japanese girl.

Sam thinks, ''That girl I fucked the other night is so typically Japanese that even this girl in the centerfold looks like her."

Sam flips the page. This time, he sees a photo of Hiratsuka Kazumi on stage wearing a high school uniform. "Eureka," Sam thinks, "This is the exact same girl I fucked the other night!"

INT. ROGERS' OFFICE

The telephone rings. Sam answers. It's Reimer.

REIMER
Hey. You wouldn't believe what I saw. Remember that place we went to in Shinjuku.?

SAM
Sure.

REIMER
Well, I went back there again. And you wouldn't believe what I saw. Instead of the scraggly old washed out broads they usually have, they had this beautiful high school girl on stage. Man, I've hardly seen a girl like this anywhere in Japan.

SAM
Yea. I know.

REIMER
What do you mean, "You know". You haven't seen a girl like this.

SAM
Yes I have. Not only do I know, but I fucked that very girl the other night.

REIMER
You fucked that girl? I don't believe you.

SAM
Not only did I fuck her, but I got a magazine article about her. In fact, I'd like to FAX it to you. Perhaps you can translate it for me. Tell me what it says about her.

REIMER
Okay. I'll turn the FAX machine on.

Reimer hangs up the telephone. Sam goes to the FAX machine and FAXes the magazine article to Reimer.

The telephone rings. It's Reimer calling back.

REIMER
Okay. Here's what it says. According to this article, this girl is famous. She's the most famous girl in Japan in this line of work. Hiratsuka Kazumi is only her stage name. She has a real name, but the article doesn't say what it is. She lives in a mansion in Osaka, but she travels all over Japan to do the shows. She fucks eight times on stage every day. And she's 21 years old, even though she looks like she's only 15.

In addition, it says that she has fan clubs all over Japan. Her biggest fan club is among the students at the University of Osaka. But she wants to give it all up. She thinks of retiring and getting married some day. That's all it says.

SAM
Did it say anything about her being a lesbian?

REIMER
No. Why did you say that?

SAM
Nothing. I'm just being influenced by the obvious bull-dyke lady I saw her with the other night.

INT. ROGERS' OFFICE DAYTIME

Sam and Rogers are sitting in Rogers' office

SAM
Rogers, I want to remind you that you promised to pay me one million yen if I made shodan in a month.

ROGERS
Sure. The deal's still on, if you think you can do it.

SAM
The truth is that I don't think I can do it. Its been almost one month to the day since we made that deal, and still I'm only two-kyu. However, There's a big shodan promotion tournament in Tokyo tomorrow. I'd like to compete and, who knows, I might get lucky and win. The winner gets the official shodan menjo.

ROGERS
Sure. Fine. And if you win, I'll still give you the one million yen. I must warn you that in the history of Japan, nobody has ever made shodan in a month. So if you actually do it, I figure it's money well spent.

EXT. SENDAGAYA STATION TOKYO DAYTIME

Sam walks from Sendagaya Station to the Nihon Shogi Renmei.

INT. THE NIHON SHOGI RENMEI

Sam enters the playing room. An attractive girl is sitting there taking the entries. This is the same girl who was present when Sam first came to the club as a beginner one month ago. She looks shocked when she realizes that Sam wants to enter the shodan promotion tournament. She had written down the word for seven-kyu in Japanese. She now crosses it out and corrects it to one-kyu.

Unfortunately, Rogers is right. Sam comes nowhere close to winning. Actually, he wins three games and loses two, but the two loses are total defeats. After the competition is over, Onogi approaches Sam.

ONOGI
Sam-san, you have won three games out of five. Under our rules, if you win all five games, you win the shodan menjo. However, if you win only four, you may still have the menjo, but you must pay five thousand yen. Finally, if you win three games, you may still have the menjo, but only if you pay ten thousand yen. Therefore, if you give me ten thousand yen, I will order a menjo for you. Do you want it?

SAM
Thank you but I'm sorry. The menjo is meaningless to me, unless I win it legitimately by winning all the games.

INT. ROGERS' OFFICE

The telephone rings. Rogers answers. Rogers talks on the telephone in Japanese and then turns to Sam.

ROGERS
It's Onogi. The Nihon Shogi Renmei will be holding its annual World Amateur Shogi Championship soon. Every country has a representative. Onogi wants you to represent the U.S.A. There are higher ranked players in America, but they can't come this year, and you are the best they know of now. Would you be willing to play, he wants to know.

SAM
Sure. I'd be honored to represent my country.

EXT. THE NEW OTANI HOTEL IN TOKYO

The New Otani Hotel in Tokyo is considered to be one of the finest hotels in the world. The Nihon Shogi Renmei has decided to hold its official reception here. Sam enters. There are lots of hors d'oeuvres and a fancy environment. Sam gorges himself on the free food. There are also television cameras, plus newspaper reporters and photographers. Sam is treated like a visiting celebrity.

The next day, the competition begins. Sam is paired against the representative from France and wins his first round game. In the second round, Sam faces the representative from Turkey. His name is Asad Kurbanali. Unfortunately for Sam, he is a much tougher opponent. He was actually born in Japan and has lived all his life here. He is a Turkish diplomat, working in the Turkish Embassy. He wipes Sam out and wins the game easily.

Sam is now placed in a consolation group, which he wins. Sam wins an exciting last round game against the representative from Canada. As a result, Sam finishes fifth in the competition. Asad Kurbanali finishes second, after being defeated by a boy from Brazil who is half Japanese.

INT. ROGERS' OFFICE DAYTIME

SAM
Rogers, I have an idea. There is a shogi computer program on the market. It sells a lot of copies even though it is quite weak. I think that I can write a better program and hopefully make a lot of money. What do you think?

ROGERS
That's not so easy. There are a lot of computer programmers working on things like that. However, if you want to try, go ahead. I have an extra computer you can use over there.

Sam spends the next several months hunched over a computer, writing his shogi computer program.

One day the telephone rings. Rogers answers.

ROGERS
It's for you, Sam.

Sam goes to the telephone

SAM
Hello.

MARIO JUNIOR
Hey. Sam. It's Mario. Remember me?

SAM
Sure. How could I forget.

MARIO JUNIOR
Hey. Let's let bygones be bygones and meet sometime. What say I invite you to lunch? We can meet at the coffee shop opposite Shimbashi Station. Don't worry. I'm buying.

SAM
Okay. I guess I can manage that.

INT. A COFFEE SHOP NEAR SHIMBASHI STATION

Sam enters the coffee shop. Mario Junior is already waiting for him. Mario Junior waves Sam over. Sam sits. Mario Junior orders coffee for both of them.

The coffee arrives. Suddenly, Mario Senior appears from nowhere and walks up behind Sam. Sam realizes that he has been set up and ambushed. Sam rises to leave.

Mario Senior puts his hand on Sam's shoulder, pressing him down.

MARIO
It's all right. It's all over Sam. Atsuko has confessed. We know she did it!

MARIO JUNIOR
Atsuko did it? Atsuko and Sam? I didn't even know they knew each other.

MARIO
Oh. They know each other all right. Intimately. Yes. It was Atsuko. She was the broad who laid Sam. I should have known it all along. Atsuko gave Sam his first piece of ass in Japan.

Mario Senior bangs his fist on the table.

MARIO JUNIOR
But, how did you find out?

Mario Senior goes into his Sherlock Holmes mode.

MARIO
Elementary. You see, I knew that it had to be a broad that we knew, because Sam had just arrived in Japan. He didn't know any broads other than the ones we had introduced him to. Therefore, I made a list of every broad who knew or had even heard of Sam. Every broad was on the list. There was Yoko, Tomoko, CPO, Noodles, Pine Village, Fifty Storms, the One on the Left, the One on My Right and even the B.C. I wouldn't put it past her. And, of course, there was Atsuko.

After that, I took out each broad on the list, one by one. I took them to dinner. Finally, I would bring up the subject. I would say, "It's too bad about Sam. And he's such a nice guy, too."

Then the broad might answer, "What's too bad about Sam". Then I would say, "Well, tragically, Sam has Binrumania."

The broad would answer, "What's Binrumania?" I would tell her, "Binrumania is an extremely rare but virulent form of venereal disease, which results in a certain and painful death."

When I said that to the other broads, like Tomoko, Yoko, Hiromi and Noodles, they just seemed bored and changed the subject. However, when I said that to Atsuko, she turned as white as a sheet, so I said, "You haven't had sex with Sam, have you, because, if you have, I have to get you to the doctor right away!"

So, Atsuko confessed. She had had sex with Sam. Naturally, I rushed Atsuko to the doctor right away. I took her to a doctor I always go to whenever I have VD. Atsuko told the doctor in my presence that she had had sex with Sam. The doctor gave her all kinds of tests. He couldn't find anything, but there's always the incubation period. I told Atsuko that Sam had contracted this disease when he was up in the remote hills of Afghanistan, and the doctors around here wouldn't know about that.

After that, Atsuko went back to her home town to check into the hospital for a series of medical tests. She's still there now.

Atsuko also says that Sam didn't cum outside of her when they had sex. She thinks she's pregnant. She says that if she's pregnant, she's going to have an abortion.

Throughout this, Sam sits glumly and remains silent. Now, Mario, who has been addressing Mario Junior up until now, turns to Sam with a big smile on his face

MARIO
Congratulations, Sam. How did it feel finally, at long, long last, to get your first piece of pussy in Japan!

INT. MARIO JUNIOR'S APARTMENT IN ROPPONGI

Sam knocks at the door. Mario Junior answers.

MARIO JUNIOR
You should have called before you came but, anyway, come in.

Mario Junior and Sam sit and talk about nothing particular. Then, Mario Junior points to his bed, which has a rumpled blanket on it.

MARIO JUNIOR
Take a look at that bed. What do you think about that?

SAM
It looks like a bed.

MARIO JUNIOR
Yea. But what's on it?

SAM
A blanket.

MARIO JUNIOR
But is there anything under the blanket?

SAM
Now that you mention it, something might be under there.

MARIO JUNIOR
Well, why don't you look under the blanket and see what's there.

Sam walks over to the bed and peeks under the blanket. It's Hiromi. She has an impish smile on her face.

SAM
Why, if it isn't good old CPO.

MARIO JUNIOR
Watch it! She knows more English than you think.

Sam returns and sits down.

SAM
With all the broads you've got, I'm surprised that you find time in your busy schedule for CPO.

MARIO JUNIOR
Actually, I felt sorry for the broad. She calls me all the time, asking to come over here. She's such a sweet girl. She'll do anything for me. So, I decided to give her a break.

SAM
By the way, does CPO know that her name is CPO?

MARIO JUNIOR
Heck no! And don't tell her either. If she finds out, we'll have to think of another name for her.

Anyway, Sam, I still don't know what's the matter with you. I think that you're afraid of girls or something. There's one billion broads over here. One billion! Let me tell you what happened to me about two weeks ago. There's this girl's high school near here in Roppongi.

SAM
Would that be the Toyo Eiwa Jogakuin ?

MARIO JUNIOR
Jeez. How'd you know.

SAM
Nothing. I just heard of it.

MARIO JUNIOR
Amazing. You just got to Japan and already you know about the Toyo Eiwa Jogakuin. Anyway, so I'm walking down the street and there's these three high school girls in high school uniforms standing on the street and they're looking at me! So, I go over and talk to them and one of them gives me her telephone number. So, I call her up and she's 17 and she says that she wants to meet me. So I agree to meet her at the koban and I meet her there and straight away I bring her here and I lay the broad right away.

Then, a few days later, the second broad calls me. So, I agree to meet her at the same koban, and I bring her here and right away I lay her, just like I laid the first one.

Then a few more days go by and the third broad calls up, and I meet her at the koban and I bring her here and I lay her right away just like I laid her two friends. I laid them all right in the bed over there where CPO is sleeping.

Now, these three broads all take the same classes together in high school. Don't you see? They're passing me around, treating me like a sex object. They think that I have no feelings, no dignity, and no self respect. It's a tough life, you know? Let me tell you Sam. If you want a virgin girl these days in Tokyo, she's got to be at least 26 years old. The younger ones have all given it away long ago.

While Mario Junior has been saying this, Hiromi, who is still on the bed and under the blankets, slowly reaches out with one arm, grabs her clothing, and pulls it under the covers. Then, Hiromi dresses under the blankets. Finally, Hiromi is dressed and emerges from under the blankets and sits down next to Mario Junior. Hiromi smiles radiantly at Mario Junior and Sam.

SAM
Incidentally, aren't you reluctant to discuss such subjects in front of CPO. She's been hanging out with you guys for the last two years. She must understand some English by now. If she hears you talk like that, maybe she won't give you any.

MARIO JUNIOR
Forget it. It's in the bag. She's lucky to get in here, and she knows it. Actually, I'm glad that you came by and she got up. Another broad wants to come by. Hiromi's got to go soon. So what have you been up to lately?

SAM
I'm trying to get my shogi shodan menjo. I'm almost there. I keep missing it by one game. I have to win eight games in a row to get it.

HIROMI (holding up two fingers)
Me ni-dan soroban.

MARIO JUNIOR
Yea. Hiromi's got the ni-dan in abacus. You would never know it, but Hiromi's really smart. That's why she has her job in Ginza.

Hiromi, isn't it time for you to go to your part time job?

HIROMI
Arbeit nein des.

MARIO JUNIOR
She says that she doesn't have her part time job today.

Well, I think you'd better be going soon anyway, Hiromi.

Sam, Hiromi has a part time job now at a fancy club in Ginza. She's the receptionist. The first thing the customers see when they walk in the club is Hiromi. She wears a fancy kimono. They always put the most beautiful girl in the club at the front door. She says that she doesn't do sex with the customers, though. The other girls do, but she doesn't. I believe her. That's what she says.

By now, Hiromi is puttering around Mario Junior's 2KD apartment, washing the dishes and tidying up.

SAM
I've got to get out of here. I don't want Hiromi to think that she has to leave because of me.

MARIO JUNIOR
No. She's got to get out of here, because I've got another broad coming by soon.

[Continued]

UPDATE: This story is now the subject of a cable TV Show: Brooklyn Boy Makes Good in Japan.


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