Fake letter from "SlamStoan"

This is obviously a take-off on me, so I need to address it.

I know almost for a fact that Tom Dorsch more than any other chess player has kept in close touch with George Koltanowski, who is 96 years old now. Tom Dorsch probably does come to visit the Koltanowskis once a week and does take George and Leah on errands.

He does not do this to buy votes. He has been doing this for years, long before he ever ran for election.

Tom and Carolyn have both told me that they are legally married to each other. Of course, I don't believe this for a minute, but it does not matter because they do not believe in God in California anyway.

Tom has gotten by far the better deal in their relationship.

I doubt that Tom Dorsch was ever skinny. When I first met him in 1962, he was already slightly plump. However, he was not yet "Tommy the Walrus" as his friend Jim Eade later called him in an Internet posting.

It is not surprising that Leah Koltanowski would send a letter endorsing Tom Dorsch for Executive Board. I have no doubt that the letter is authentic.

I might mention that Tom has done a few other things for the Koltanowskis besides being their friend. He wrote on the Internet newsgroups that George Koltanowski organized and directed the first Swiss system tournament in America in Texas in the 1930s. This was almost certainly not true. I believe Tom is referring to the US Open in Corpus Christie Texas in 1946. I challenged Tom on this and he has never corrected it.

Tom Dorsch also defends the award of the grandmaster title to George Koltanowski by FIDE in 1987 in one of the corrupt deals by Denker, even though Koltanowski never had a grandmaster result.

Dorsch says that Koltanowski earned the grandmaster title in Antwerp 1936 where he finished ahead of Flohr. That is not true either. Antwerp 1936 was a 6-game team exhibition match and was not a tournament at all. I looked it up. (Besides which, how could that be when Koltanowski was organizing Swiss system tournaments in Texas in 1936.)

However, none of this is a bad thing. Dorsch is simply exaggerating the accomplishments of his mentor and Koltanowski by every reckoning had made great contributions to chess.

The rest of this fake posting is simply a joke and not worthy of comment.

Sam Sloan

On 10 Jun 1999 01:07:02 GMT, slamstoan@aol.com (SlamStoan) wrote:

The alleged Mrs. Koltanowski may have written:

For the past ten years, he has been one of our best friends. He visits us once a week, we have lunch together, and he always takes George and me on our errands.

Another despicable case of Tom Dorsch buying votes.

You can imagine what Dorsch threatened if they did not support him.

Is there no lower limit to Tom's low morals.

He and Carolyn aren't really married you know. She has a different last name.

Can you imagine soliciting the support of old people who don't know what a sunken scoundrel Dorsch is?

Besides the Koltanowski's co-signed Tom's lease when he was in college. I remember that.

They should be supporting me.

Never mind.

What have the Koltanowski's done for chess anyway?

You never see them at tournaments any more.

Apparently, they used to do something with kids, but we have no proof of that, so I will say it anyway.

he was just a skinny teenager

Obviously, she is not talking about the same Tom Dorsch.

I have known Tom for one hundred years. I know him better than anyone else in the world and he was never skinny.

So this man is an impostor.

That's it. He is a space alien, come here to suck our brains and I have proof. Or I will have proof as soon as they beam me up again. I assure you there is incredible evidence of this.

Why don't old women just keep their mouths shut.

We know how to treat women in my country.

One man, one vote! Women shut up!

I tell that to all my wives.

I think this may be a conspiracy!

Seems to me she spells her name with an X. So this is probably not THE Mrs. Koltanowski but rather some street woman that Tom picked up. Probably Jim Eade helped him and Larry Parr too and Richard Peterson. That guy hates Bill Goichberg and is in Tom Dorsch's pocket. He is a secret agent crawling around in there.

I think this may be a matter for the Ethics Committee to look into.

BTW, did you know Tom Dorsch changed the pairings at the Shogi Championships. I was there. I saw him do it. When an honest man like me gets cheated by a lowlife like Tom Dorsch, it is time to speak out and often.

Never mind the subject matter. I am going to show all of you just what I don't know. And what I don't know, I am going to talk about anyway and no one can stop me because I am for One Man, One Vote and that bottom feeding scum Tom Dorsch is not.

After the shogi tournament, he spit on a small dog and kicked an old man walking down the street. I saw him.

More details later, as soon as I come back down.

Remember, what I don't know can hurt you.

Slam Stoan

UPDATE: Second fake letter from "SlamStoan":

Talk about honest men, Tom Dorsch says he was in Antwerp in 1936 when Koltanowski won an important chess tournament.

Here is the real truth, there was no water in that tournament!

Tom Dorsch had a monopoly on all the water and he made them pay big guilders until they were all broke.

No wonder Koltanowski won the tournament.
Richard Peterson was selling food and everybody got sick. He admits this.

Now I must reveal to you a secret fact which I have kept hidden for many years.

Besides which, how could that be when Koltanowski was organizing Swiss system tournaments in Texas in 1936 and be in Amsterdam in 1936.

It is obviously impossible and I was there with him both places, so I know.

Now the big secret.

Koltanowski is an alien too.

How else could he be in two places at the same time and he didn't get sick on Peterson's food.

He eats rodents. I saw him. I was there. I passed him the condiments.

However, none of this is a bad thing. Dorsch is simply exaggerating.

I now have more proof that Tom Dorsch was never "skinny" as that mouthy old woman said in her letter.

This proof is from one of his friends.

Jim Eade calls him "Tommy the Walrus".
Do you think he knows something that I don't?
Yes, he does? Lots of things.
But that won't stop me.
Larry Parr knows this.

Tom Dorsch is from the Walrus Planet and I know because I saw him there and I took photos too, but the high council of Tusk took my film so I would not reveal the secret.

Did you ever wonder why Dr DeGraue talks funny?
He is one of them too.
I am the only one who has seen him.
DeGraue is the Chief Tusk.
Dorsch is just a Walrus second class.

They put me in walrus prison, but the dancing princess Erica, helped me escape.

The Walrus' have a secret plan to take over the US Chess Federation.
We must stop them while we can.

Oh, this is very important.

Tom Dorsch hates computers and computers hate Tom Dorsch.

Whenever inanimate objects hate someone, what does that tell you?

Think about it!

Don't vote for him! He will turn you off!

Tom Dorsch eats meat.

Many innocent animals die because this man (walrus) eats them.

Defenseless vegetables are yanked from their roots screaming that they do not want to be separated from their families, so this man can eat.



Talk about Tom and Carolyn. There is no Tom and Carolyn, because there is no God in California.

Where are Tom's other wives? He does not do anything right.

Why do you think they have all those earthquakes?

Tom Dorsch, that's why.

This is almost certainly not true.

Apparently, it does have something to do with the walrus army tunneling toward New Windsor.

More later
And the walrus army doesn't find me.

Your brave reporter,

Slam Stoan

UPDATE: After an absence of nine months, SlamStoan has written another letter. This time there is a tipoff which leaves no doubt as to who actually wrote it:

On 3 Apr 2000 21:45:52 -0000, in rec.games.chess.politics squirrel@echelon.alias.net (SlamStoan) wrote:

I once used to live under a table with two or three of my younger wives and seven children or some of them could be maids I forget and some of which may have been mine or not at least the ones who had problems at school. So I had a lot of time to look at Coasters. Fat people are so careless. You would not imagine what kind of stuff gets spilled. So when they think they got my DNA sample they might not have. I have them beat.

I never heard of anything like a Pacific Coaster. I happen to be quite an expert on Coasters.

Curiously enough this came about because four years ago in a bar in Tajikistan I met someone whose genitalia did not remind me of that crooked judge from you know which middling state who made a pass at me after my winning that sec case well not entirely losing it at the Supremes Court no not Diana but one of the other ones. Though she probably was ridden in my cab. I am going to put streaming video on my website soon and dump all the midis.

Bonz taught me all I know about Coasters. So I can definitely say that there is no such thing as a Pacific Coaster. Even a Mounier Coaster.

It is probably another lie spread about me by that walrus Dorsch. Who owes me $510 rent from way back, say 30 years plus 10% compound interest. So that would make it into um $42.05, call it $60. Did I tell you I used to run many famous investment corporations? They too could run. Iceland! And the slit-eyed one who lived upstairs loved me. He had to go to C.I.A. Vietnam because there were so many people trying to catch him. Or her. Which reminds me. Tom is a woman. I know. His wife does not know. But I do. Bonz Heijatolah of Tajikistan knows. I told him. Or he told me. Or someone else told both of us. And that there is no such thing as a Pacific Coaster. I have not heard of one. So that proves there is not one. Why do you tell lies, Jim?

Of course this was before that mullah I paid off lied that the Sam'sLoan Inc. paper I used for the Chitral bride price was worthless. In the end I did manage to escape from the prison but that is a long story but I can remember all that happened every time I have to go to the

I have written to the President and warned him not to touch Honza. He has not replied as yet.

But Bonz looks a lot like John McCrary. Not face to face, just parts.

Please inform us of when and where that event was splayed and who you claim owns the rights to use that Coaster.

One day soon I'll run the USCF. Into the ground. I'll now give two thousand free rating points to everyone except Bill. Does anyone want to buy a yellow cab? Almost ever used. It shows 997,204 miles but that is because they let the machine in the attaché case run unattended while I showed the man my picture collection. Just think, another 3,896 miles and it will be brand new again. Which reminds me. When I said a $28k surplus for 1997 I meant a $28k liable. Or a $28k defictive. Or something. Did I tell you I ran many large securities corpses?

I also have same Booby Fischer erotica for sale. I bought it at auction. I have put a picture of it on my website. Can anyone tell me what it is used for, or whether it was ever alive? I cannot get it to fit on any of my

Those bats again! Why keep flapping after me? Let the sun shine in!

Regards, SlamStoan

UPDATE: There has been a rash of these fake letters by SlamStoan. The quality has gone down and it seems that there may be more than one author. Here is the worst thus far:

On 13 Apr 2000 04:02:31 -0000, Anonymous-Remailer@See.Comment.Header (SlamStoan) wrote: I have been evicted from Schlomo's Diner

On 13 Apr 2000 04:02:31 -0000, Anonymous-Remailer@See.Comment.Header (SlamStoan) wrote:

I used to live under a table at Schlomo's Diner in Yonkers, with some of my younger wives and servants or illegitimate children or both. No bats.

Due to the actions of a nun whom I need to get defrocked when I am not hiding in a closet, I have been forcibly evicted from Schlomo's. I will soon put up a webpage to show that this is part of a conspiracy, Schlomo's great aunt's dead monkey once visited Virginia. And he wasn't even Jewish.

I believe a clerk whose contract with the USCF was unexpectedly terminated last year could give me shelter but I do not think he will allow me to bring any of my wives or servants or illegitimate children or other small belongings with me if I come to stay with him. Could someone tell me why, and what I should bring with me for an enjoyable and comfortable stay?


You are apparently not aware that SlamStoan is not me. This was actually written by Jim Eade, who writes parodies of me. (The above was his worst effort thus far.)

Sam Sloan

On 14 Apr 2000 21:47:14 GMT, jimeade@aol.comSheesh (JimEade) wrote:

Sam Sloan is lying again (I mean still). I post only as myself. Oddly, Cavallo once accused me of this as well, so we know who Sam is secretly allied with ;-)

Jim Eade

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